In No Particular Order

What Could Have Been

2005-12-14T11:10:00.000-06:00

I spent many years of my life with an amazing man. I'm not sure if we were disfunctional most of the time or just some of the time, but I don't remember my life being as unhappy as it is right now. I wonder what might have happened if I had not made the decisions I did.

I have had to go through a lot of my belongings that are at my mother's house. I found an old purse and inside that old purse was an old wallet. Inside that old wallet was old money, I'd hoped, but, instead I found old pictures. Pictures of four years worth of homecomings, christmas and sweetheart dances, proms and my senior pictures. That senior prom when I wore white and we danced to every song, no one was there but him and me, in our own world - a preview to our wedding day, I remember thinking. As I turned each page memories came flooding back and I think I felt my heart start to hurt. He is married now, no doubt there will be a baby on the way before long. All those hopes and dreams I had belong to someone else now. I do feel glad for him, happy that he's happy, hopefully he is.

I just find myself creating scenarios. What if I'd not picked the wrong friends? What if we had been able to afford for me to go somewhere besides the local community college? What if I'd been able to go closer to where he was? What if he'd never found out that I kissed someone else? What if I had not blindly fallen for someone new just to get the memories of him out of my head? What if I had answered the door and the phone all those times he came back? WHY DIDN'T I? The obvious answer is because I didn't want to, I guess. I guess when I really dig up those old memories, they weren't happy all the time. He was a little controlling, I was quite rebellious. But, he's not like that anymore, he grew up and he changed and I wish I would have given us the chance to grow together. All the wishing in the world won't change what I've done. I was too young to think seriously about the consequences of what I was doing. It is way too late now.

But, it was nice to see me in his arms.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me.

It's Time

2005-07-31T19:23:00.000-05:00

I'm about to start blogging again. New layout and updates on the way.

Watch this space.

Superquick update!

2005-03-24T00:39:00.000-06:00

Things are really quite wonderful. James and I are getting along marvelously and have been, really, since my last post. I think we really needed to have that heart to heart, even if it did hurt a bit. He's now wanting access to read my blog and my livejournal, not to be nosy, just to see what kinds of things I write about. My computer sits at his house, right next to his, he could easily access either site, but he chooses not to until I give the okay. I'm still thinking about it.

The children have taken to telling me they love me each night, or just at random, and I must say that it makes my heart swell up. I know they aren't mine, and they never will be "mine", but I do love them. They are more affectionate with me than they are with their own mother and that makes me a bit sad, for her. She doesn't want that kind of relationship with them though, she just wants enough to say that she was their mom and she took them to school every morning. That's really all there is. She can't even be bothered to brush the little one's teeth on her weekends. I want them to have a good relationship with her, I really do, but they can't force that upon her any more than I can. She hates me, too, but I just let it roll off. Surely someday she will look past her own selfishness and see that I am an asset to the lives of her children.

And, speaking of my family - we are making an offer on a house very soon. It's a charming four bedroom home, almost 2,000 square feet, not counting the full basement. It has a living room, family room, dining room and a sunroom also. This is good because we have a lot of computers and a lot of instruments.

Instruments! Today via UPS I received my brand new candy apple red fender squire jazz bass guitar. It's so beautiful and it feels so good in my hands. I'm in love!

Concerts. Yes, we saw Tesla - do you remember them? Hair band? - in Louisville last weekend. We arrived early and dealt with crazy drunk people in line, but managed to get spot right next to the stage. With more than an hour left before the show, one of the crew members started talking to us and asked if we'd like to sit on stage during the concert. !!! Of course, we did. It was an acoustic set, so they had 2 couches on stage with the band and J and I were 2 of 8 people who got to sit up there. It was really awesome to see what happens behind the scenes. The band members also interacted with us quite a bit. I was really happy with the entire evening, it was really cool to get to experience that with James.

We have tickets to see Chevelle in April and Lenny Kravitz in May - Yay!

School is insanely hard this semester. I'm studying more and doing worse, grade wise. I can say that I do feel that I'm learning more. And, on that note, I have a load of homework that must be attended to.

Because I love them

2005-02-27T14:27:00.000-06:00

We are not married, we have no children together, hell, we don't even own property together. Therefore, I could leave at any time with No Strings Attached. Sometimes I can't figure out why I haven't yet.

It's because I love them, all of them.

It is so fucking hard sometimes, though. For my whole life, through all of those dead end, Bad Relationships, I have always hoped that I would end up with someone who didn't make me cry.

I have ended up with someone, and last night, he made me cry.

At least we talked about it, but he still didn't sleep in the same bed as me and that hurt really bad. It also nearly broke my heart as I walked into the living room and Alex wanted to know why I was crying. He doesn't expect this type of behavior from his father and I because we don't fight, we don't cry and I don't ever show them how sad I get sometimes. I wish I could have helped it last night.

So, you wanna see my Valentine's Day gift?

2005-02-09T14:15:00.000-06:00

We pick him up the day after I get back! I am so excited that we finally found the right puppy for us, we've been looking for ages. It's a two hour drive to get him, but it will be worth it. James and I want to name him Jaco, but I'm afraid we will have to allow the children to choose, and they want Balto - i'm okay with that too.

I have to run now, I'm packing so I can spend the rest of the day with my boys and my family!

The Life That Keeps Me Living

2005-02-02T13:49:00.000-06:00

As much as I like receiving email, Johnny and Gudy, I shall heed to your threats and properly update my blog.

Things aren't easy. I failed to understand that I was trading the simplicity of my life for love. I didn't realize that I would become a full-fledged mother in a matter of a few months. I never knew how hard it was to be a mother and girlfriend all at once. These children aren't mine, but I love them like they are and the love is mutual. It's so terribly hard and stressful sometimes, but they make my heart swell with happiness with teeny little things like bedtime hugs.

James is really good for me. I wish I could say that I'm still living in the bliss of a new relationship, but I'm not. We've had our share of fights. New Years Eve was one of them, and it was so stupid. That was the first night that we realized that the new had worn off right before our very eyes. That was the first night when we realized how easy it was to take advantage of the others presence. That was the first night when I felt scared and insecure and then wanted to kick myself in the head for allowing myself to feel that way in a relationship where I am more loved, respected and treasured than I have ever been before. We resolved things that night, but I still woke with a bad taste in my mouth. It was the realization that my relationship with J isn't perfect, it has its faults and it isn't easy all the time.

But, nothing worth having is easy, is it?

The next one was a couple of weeks later. James is, like, the mecca musician. His taste in music is impeccable and so boundless and he can play anything he hears. So, when I downloaded "So Cold", by Breaking Benjamin and asked him to tell me what he thought of it, I was already on the defensive. It started playing and he started singing along in a silly voice. "You hate it", I said to him, quickly, because he was acting so silly about it. Then he snapped, "why do you have to treat me like I am such an asshole when I try so hard not to be. I was making fun of my own singing and the fact that I don't know the words to the song, NOT the song that you like." My heart sank to the floor. I was the asshole. The whole situation can be blamed on the insecurity that someone handed to me 5 years ago that I am unable to let go of. I don't want it anymore, I hate it, but I can't let go of it. Sometimes I can fake it, sometimes I pretend, but it's still there, like a letter that you can't bear to throw away even though it is really painful to you.

So, I walked into the kitchen and I did the dishes with tears streaming down my face. He went to bed and I followed him later. He wasn't even mad at me, at all. He felt hurt because I allow myself to think that he is trying to be mean or hurtful to me when his intentions are so far from that. I managed to still feel like he was trying to hurt me. I kept my clothes on and got under the covers. My clothing on my body like a wall that I wouldn't allow him to break through. If he were to reach out and touch my skin I might not be able to stay mad at him anymore. And he did reach out for me. He pulled me close to him and buried my head in his chest and whispered his love for me into my hair. I cried a bit more as I realized that for five whole years I haven't allowed myself to be emotionally attached to someone at all. I haven't bothered to cry over anyone who hurt me or left me in a long time. I didn't care enough.

I care now.

I am emotionally invested in J, and even in his children. It didn't take me long to see that their own mother isn't providing something that they need. Love, attention, affection - I don't know which, maybe all three, and I give all that I have to them and they accept it like they were starving for it. They spend 90% of the time with me and J. Even when they are supposed to stay with their mother every other weekend, half of the time they don't want to go or she is too busy to keep them. Sometimes I pray for the break, but I realize that they are better off with us. At least we know that Alex is getting his medication for his leukemia.

And before I go, I have to tell you about my little Alex.

He informed me last night that I was one of his three favorite people in the whole world, along with J and his mamaw. While rolling around in my own bliss, I actually found time to feel sorry for his mother. I don't know why, she doesn't deserve him. He is an amazing child, filled with so much love and some cancer that is threatening his life and all she can do is walk away. She doesn't tuck him into bed at night. She doesn't crush his pills and mix them with pudding so he can choke them down. She doesn't coax him into taking a new medicine. She doesn't make his appointments. She doesn't get his tight bedtime hugs. She doesn't help him with his spelling words. She doesn't go with him when he has to have a spinal tap every three months. I do all of those things, and I LOVE doing those things for him. I love seeing the smiles and the happiness that lights up his face. I love J telling me that he's never seen Alex so happy. Can you even imagine how this makes me feel?

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with love for the three of them. But, it is still very hard sometimes. Sometimes I get mad at all of them, sometimes I get my feelings hurt for no reason. Sometimes I get tired of sharing James with a clinging five year old. But it's okay. It's worth it.

Are you sitting there saying, "welcome to parenthood"? It all brings me to the conclusion that I can't wait to have my own. One more year, we hope, when I'm done with school and we can move into a bigger house. I can hardly wait. Neither can the boys, they are really rallying for a baby sister. For now, though, they will have to settle for a puppy, as soon as we find one to adopt.

I am leaving for Honduras next Thursday, for a week, so don't go thinking I've dropped off the face of the earth again. I really want to blog more, I want to talk about everything, if only so I have a record of the happiest days ever, but I'm always so short on time and something like sleep, pokemon (yes, i've learned to play pokemon) or studying stands in my way. I'll try to do better.

Oh, and thanks for caring enough to threaten me with emails :)

Hello 2005

2005-01-01T13:39:00.000-06:00

Everything in my life is wonderful. I have the things that I have always wanted. I am happy. Everything is falling into place just as I hoped it would.

And I am so sad. I wish I knew why. Hopefully I will find my center soon and then I can sort it all out. Until then, I'll keep pretending.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Happy Holidays

2004-12-25T10:07:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note to say hi and wish you all the happiest of holidays, whichever one you may be celebrating.

My Christmas has been awesome - one of the best ever, actually. I'll share the details later, but just quickly, Santa was good, James, the boys and the rest of his family have been great and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

Enjoy your day!

Never In My Lifetime

2004-12-23T07:25:00.000-06:00

The sky has poured 2 feet of snow on my little town in the last 35 hours. It is unreal to me and it is beautiful. I've been "stranded" with James and the boys, at his house. Last night at 10pm it was as light out as if it were about 3pm because of the street lights reflecting off of the snow - it was gorgeous.

I'd love to write about it, but I'm doing what any normal girl would do when it's only 2 days till Christmas and 2 feet of snow on the ground.

I'm going shopping.

Demons Bigger Than Mine

2004-12-10T01:03:00.000-06:00

So, after reading Rick who recently blogged about loathing Stephen King and about the murder of Dimebag Darrell, I am motivated to blog! The Stephen King thing has nothing to do with this entry, I just found it soothing that someone else isn't impressed either.

I'm still going to blog about my boyfriend, but I'll add a little more material this time, a little more depth and I'll try not to remind you that I'm totally crazy about him and things are going great!

James has demons. He has demons that are bigger and meaner than any that I have ever or will ever know. Today, those demons were eating away at him. When his ex-wife came to pick up A & A for school this morning, she hit him with the news that Dimebag Darrell, former Pantera guitarist had been killed onstage. He came back to bed with me feeling pretty angry about the incident. You see, James is a rock star - I exaggerate, but he really is amazing. I've never known a person that was more passionate about music. It doesn't stop there, either, he is an extremely talented guitarist. Whether the passion for music has anything to do with what happened, next, I don't know.

He kept talking to me about how sad he felt about Dimebag. He considered it from every angle possible. He talked about the feelings of the people who witnessed it, his family and friends, etc. Then, he went on to talk about how sad it was that someone died so close to Christmas. He asked me if I thought his family would return the things they had bought for him or if they would just keep them - something that would have never entered my mind. He babbled on about Dimebag for the better part of an hour. I just listened, since I've learned quickly that he needs someone to listen when he goes off like that.

Next, he went and grabbed a guitar and played it quietly for awhile. Then, he started talking about his father. He told me that he wished he would have visited his dad more when he was dying. He is sure his father would felt peaceful if he could have played guitar for him. James is so filled with guilt over his father's death. He was 6 hours away, with a wife and two children and it just wasn't feasible for him to be there. His dad walked out of his life when he was really young, and it was like a stone was thrown into a pond. The ripples from that simple action are still affecting people's lives 30 years later. His dad left and his mom turned to drugs and abusive men. She had him try smoking marijuana at the age of 7, one of her boyfriend's kept food and water from him and his sister for a couple of days, and she just kept moving from man to man, city to city. I'm really only touching the surface on some of the things that have happened to him. It makes my life look like a fucking joyride, really. He is so full of pain and anger. And he isn't angry with anyone but himself. The latter is the part that I cannot wrap my mind around. His mother has cleaned up her life, she lives close by and she has taken an active role in his life. He has forgiven her and he loves her. He developed a relationship with his father during his last few years, and he holds no anger towards him, either. He doesn't know who to be mad at for all of the pain he feels, so he chooses himself. He looks so normal, and he seems so happy sometimes - and he's a terrific father - but when it's late and he's holding me in his arms, he talks to me about his life. I cry for him because it hurts me to know some of the things he has been through, but he doesn't shed a tear, ever. I want to take away all of the pain but I don't know how. He says that my presence in his life makes him happy, the affection and love pouring out of me drown away the pain sometimes - but it just takes something like a senseless death of a musician he respected to bring it all back.

He worries that he scares me when he gets like that - and to be honest, it does a little, but only because I just cannot comprehend it at times. He thinks that I'll eventually think he's completely nuts and walk out of his life. I know I'm not going anywhere. Besides, normal people are boring, right?

Sucked In

2004-12-01T01:34:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not on strike, although, I considered using it as an excuse for my absence.

Yes, I was supposed be on top of blogging after that DSL was installed.

For a day or two, I really was going to be. Obviously, though, in order to take advantage of such things you must actually spend more than 1.5 hours per day in your own home. I don't really do that anymore.

When I went to Chicago, James and I came to the realization that we are addicted to each other's presence. It was pure hell being away from him for those days. I am NOT that kind of girl and I am fully aware of how unhealthy that may be. I used a gazillion cell minutes while I was gone and the 6 hour trip home was pure agony mixed with anxiety. Ruby slippers would have been quite handy.

I do love him.

Things have developed quickly, but easily and I find myself living a dream. I also know that I deserve it. I don't talk about a lot of the things that have happened to me, but I've been through some really trying things in the quarter of a century that has been my life. Not terrible things, but just generally shitty things that make you want to swear against relationships for the rest of your existence. I wouldn't go back and trade those experiences for anything, though, because I have learned so much. Funny how life turns out.

Chicago was good. People were terribly rude and public transportation was a bitch. Speaking of bitch, I nearly bitch slapped a taxi driver who decided to take out a day's frustration by screaming at me. He misheard the address I gave and drove one (yes ONE) block out of his way - and we still paid him for it. I fail to understand exactly what happened or why it happened, but I do know that i was scared. Terrified, really, but I just sat there while he screamed and went on and on... and then I couldn't take it anymore and I turned into Chris Farley, with an "ALRIGHT!", a couple of head spins and a really red, angry face. Good times. My sister was stunning. She didn't win anything, but my heart was so full of love for her and I was so proud of her as I watched her step out of her comfort zone and do something so brave. She was awesome.

I returned home late Sunday/early Monday, went to my house, threw down my things, took a shower, and headed straight to see James. I stayed with him until he left for work the next morning. I went back over on Monday and spent the night again. Tuesday, I stayed over until I had to go to work at 10pm. Wednesday, I spent the night again.

Alex and Anthony and I are all quite taken with each other. I find myself unable to tell them no when it comes to playing. We play a lot. Alex taught me how to play Yu-Gi-Oh, and I am just HORRID at it. We compromised and switched to UNO, luckily, but he still beats me most of the time. After the first night that I played with him, James told me things that made my heart nearly burst. Alex doesn't laugh a lot and his eyes look sad most of the time. They would, you know, the child is 9 years old and he's lucky to be alive - I'm sure dealing with a life threatening illness on a daily basis isn't all it's cracked up to be. James sat close by and watched Alex and I interact with each other. After Alex went to bed he told me that he hasn't seen his eyes light up like that in a long time. He said I was good for the child's soul. He is good for mine too, though, he really fills me up with happiness.

Anthony and I play a lot of games involving spelling and writing. He's five and he's a sponge and loves to learn. He makes me laugh like crazy with some of the things he comes up with. He mispronounces words and makes up lyrics to songs when he can't understand them. Frankenstein comes out as "franklinstein" and I won't even begin to try to decipher his version of jingle bells. He's a self-proclaimed spaz and his energy doesn't seem to run out and I love it.

Thanksgiving was a really good day for me, for us. I can actually say that mine was bearable, perhaps even good. My aunt, uncle and one cousin came for lunch, which was fabulous. The middle child was with his grandfather in St. Louis and although I am sure that I missed his presence, the lack of drama between me, him and youngest child was refreshing. James brought the boys over after having lunch with his mom, for the first meeting with my family. It certainly wasn't the last. They spent a lot of time at my house over the long weekend. Jason (youngest brother) and Alex get along famously and my mother is completely enamored with Anthony. She is just thrilled with the whole instant grandchildren concept. I like it, too, because it gives me some alone time with James. I stayed with him Thursday night too... and Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Right, so I'm never at home.

We play music together. I have always wanted someone who could share my love for music and appreciate my talents. He plays guitar and he's amazing at it, really. He begs me to play piano for him - he watches my fingers move across the keys and his face looks so peaceful. We haven't done any major musical collaborations yet, but we just sit around and tinker on our respective instruments and it is really one of my favorite things to do with him. He is getting Alex a set of drums for Christmas and I really look forward to seeing his reaction. I hope he likes to play as much he thinks he will. I can't wait for Christmas!

I could really just gush about for hours about this man and the family that I have stepped into, but I'll stop now before I make you sick.

Countdown to Chicago: 16 hours

2004-11-18T17:57:00.000-06:00

And, naturally I've not even started packing yet.

I actually have money to spend this time, so I'm looking forward to it a little more than I was previously.

I don't really want to talk about Chicago.

You folks are correct. I am falling in love. Hard. I'm so scared, but I'm being so brave and I'm proud of me for once. I cannot figure out why he likes me and I suppose I will never know, but the truth is that I am absolutely crazy about him. I have a new glow that everyone seems to notice and I feel happier than I have in a really long time.

We spend a lot of time together doing absolutely nothing. It is rare for me to be calm enough to just be there - not doing anything. I thrive on doing things to preoccupy myself and staying busy, but I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to relax and be with him. We make plans nearly every evening and I find myself meticulously clock-watching for the moment when I can walk out my door and into his arms. And then I stay in those arms for the next few hours. I feel so safe and I feel wanted.

Somehow, I have told him everything that I never wanted to tell anyone and it's all okay. James has had a really preoccupying tough life until just the past year. His dad died of cancer 23 months ago, then he went through a very messy divorce, he has full custody of his two children and his oldest son has leukemia. I really don't know where I fit into all of this, but he says I give him hope. He gives me hope too, and I suddenly don't see myself being alone forever. I wish I could find something wrong with him.

I met his children this week. Neither of them really said much to me when I walked in and I immediately thought that it was too soon and a bad idea. His youngest is 5 and he warmed up to me pretty quickly. We played magic tricks and he wrote my name down and drew a picture for me. Then, we had to watch Shrek 2 and he had to sit very close to me. Of course, I was loving every moment of it because he is adorable. They are both crazy about their dad and he's a very good father to him. The 9 year old is very reserved and quiet around me. When I say quiet, I mean he doesn't speak to me. I am being as patient as possible since James tells me this is normal for him. I only hope he doesn't think I'm trying to take his mother's place or anything. Even though she doesn't give a shit about them and I think she's completely mental, I would never try to do that.

I don't want to lose this newness. It is like magic, the way I feel, the way my mind and my body respond to his every word and every touch. I don't want to lose it.

Lonely? What's that?

2004-11-17T01:55:00.000-06:00

My lonely existence has come to an end. It may be brief and it may not, but I'll take as much as he wants to give me, for as long as he wants to give it.

And I can't think of anything to say about him. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts of him and I'm so short on time to spend sorting them out. So, here I am. Parked in front of this computer, coming up with this blog entry that I so desperately need to write. I need to say it so I can sort it out and so I'll never forget how I feel right now.

Do you remember what it was like the last time you really fell for someone? You know those crazy butterflies when you think about him? The tingles when your hands collide or when his finger tips lazily mess about in your hair? Did you heart skip and then bound out of your chest when he kissed you for the first time, the second, every single time? Were your eyes suddenly shining when you were near him? Did you stop eating, because you forgot? Could you not sleep because you didn't want to stop thinking about him? Did your friends and co-workers notice the new glow coming from you, the constant smiles and quiet phone conversations?

I'm doomed.

And I'm stuck. I can't write at all. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived and maybe I just have too much spinning around in my brain. I'll fill in the details later, when it all makes a bit more sense.

His name is James, he's amazing, and I am going to get my heart broken.

You just watch.

P.S. The DSL is up and running. I even managed to install a wireless USB adapter to the second computer and it actually works, too!

I'm also going to Chicago again this weekend, but hope to update again before I leave.

Two moldy cheddars, to go, please.

2004-11-17T01:41:00.000-06:00

So, I'm way behind on my Cheddar-X, so you get a two for one deal - for free!

I'll start with the word associations, since they are my favorite.

Fluffy bunnies - playboy - naked
Coffee - mocha - java
Flat tax - haircut - shave
Fair and open - golf - season
Truth - justice - shit
Justice - shit - poo
America - doom - hell
The Culture of Fear - factor - X
Honesty - integrity - truth
Justice - still shit - poo
Freedom - peace - protest
Comfort - warm - soft
Soothing - water - droplet
Healing - doctor - nurse
The Future - time machine - travel

And up next we've got the bitter cheddar that I'm sooo behind on.

1. What went wrong on Tuesday's election?
Uninformed voters, religious voters, old fogeys who are scared of change. And if I hear one more person bitching at someone for not voting, I'm going to use violence. You know, I would rather someone not vote at all if they can't take the time to research the candidates. How many people do you think voted for Bush just because someone else was or because they "heard" it was the right thing to do? I think it is a personal right and while I would never dream of not voting, I can understand those who choose not to. It's their decision, not anyone else's. Wow - I went totally off subject with that rant.

2. What would you be willing to die for?
You know, right now I'm really not sure. I think that I wouldn't know that unless I was put in the situation. I think that I would die to save someone I loved, though.

3. Is it the same thing you'd be willing to kill for? (if there's anything you're willing to kill for).
I would kill someone to keep them from killing me or someone else.

4. What is your personal plan for the next four years?
Just keep moving forward and protesting this administration at every possible moment.

5. Do you think the US will be as divided and angry in four years? More or less?
Divided, yes. Angry, probably not. I think and hope that people will use their anger and resentment productively.

That'll do it.

Movin' On Up!

2004-11-08T13:27:00.000-06:00

I would like to announce that there will be no more BLOGGING SLACKERY from yours truely.

Yes, that is correct: I AM GETTING HIGH SPEED INTERNET!

It's finally available in my area and at only $9 more per month, who could resist? Not I, anyway.

So, I can now blog and read your blogs from home without the delays that make me want to shoot my eye out - watch out!

Coming tonight or tomorrow - some political cheddar-x and a theurapeutic compilation of quotes from bloggers and other internetish venues about the election. If you are reading this and I read you blog and you have a problem with me quoting you (with credit), please let me know. I wanted to ask everyone personally, but time and dial up just didn't allow that. Anyway, I think it will be interesting, and compiling it certainly helped ease my frustrations with the way things turned out.

The little stuff that keeps me busy...

2004-10-27T01:47:00.000-05:00

This isn't a profound entry, maybe it's not even interesting - but it's what I've been doing lately and what has been on my mind.

College
Love it and hate it, all at the same time. I started my clinical rotation today at a nursing home facility. I really don't enjoy nursing homes, but we have no choice but to start at one. Luckily, I requested one an hour away that is not filled with demented total care clients. I will have the same client for the next six weeks and she is able to bathe herself, she is continent and she loves to watch Animal Planet. I do believe we shall get along beautifully. I really don't know what I can do for her, but I do hope that I will be able to take her outside, play cards with her and just chat - but I don't know how much of that we are allowed to do. Today I just spoke with her for a bit and reviewed her chart.

The piles of homework have become exceedingly larger over the past few weeks. I think they slowly just add things so that it doesn't become overbearing, but when I compare to the amount of work I am doing outside of class now to that of what I was doing at the beginning of the semester, I am overwhelmed with the difference.

I keep pushing forward and I still have an A, which is saying a lot - this program is very challenging. Some things have happened recently that make me question my emotional ability to do this job. Last week's ER was insane and left me crying for about an hour after and it's a damned television show, after all. That, combined with a good friend of mine (works ICU in STL children's hospital) losing his favorite "little girl" patient who was very young with cystic fibrosis has left me questioning how I am going to handle the grief I will be faced with on a daily basis. Part of me knows that I can do it. Pediatrics is my thing - I am crazy about kids and I am so strong when I have to be. Another part of me is afraid that one day I will break and I'll never be able to go back to work. I suppose I'll not know until I am faced with those situations. I know it will be okay, there are plenty of other options as a nurse, but I don't want to disappoint myself by not fulfilling my goal to work in peds.

Baseball
What a great world series, eh? I tried to love the Cards this year, I really tried. I've been a Braves fan for a few years, I know the players, I watch the games and that is pretty much as far as I go with baseball. All of my new "college" friends, however, are die-hard Cardinals fans and I want to punch them in the face. I nearly lost an eardrum the night they won the game that entered them into the WS since I made the mistake of going to an already usually loud classmate's class during the 9th. At that point I knew that I couldn't cheer on the Cardinals. I was drawn to the Red Sox earlier in the season a bit, anyway. So, now I'm the "outcast" and the "traitor" and I like it like that. Especially since my team is way up at this point.

Chicago
Would you believe that I've been all over the country and out of it twice, but have never ventured to the top of my state, to that big city on the lake? It's true! I finally made it up there though and what a great place! My little sister and I took our first trip together and we had a blast. We really haven't spent a great deal of time together since we were really young, so it was a definitely a learning experience. I learned that we are very much alike as far as being obsessively organized and loving to sleep in. But, I also learned that we are very different. It takes her ages to get her things together to go somewhere, she can't drive for shit and she eats like a horse! Yes, of course she only weighs 110 lbs and she's gorgeous. So lovely, in fact, that she has been chosen as a contender for the Miss Illinois USA pageant. I hate pageants, but it will be good for her, I think. The best news is that I will get to spend another weekend in Chicago later this month with more time to go sightseeing and such. I don't expect her to win or anything, but I am very very proud of her and I'm looking forward to seeing her holding her head high, walking across that stage. Pictures are hereby promised!

Halloween
I am invited to a very exclusive Halloween party that I do not want to go to due to it's exclusiveness. However, I feel obligated and I am almost sure I will have a lovely time. I can not decide, however, what to go as. I bought these fab stockings a few weeks ago and I want to center my costume around them, but I am having a horrible time with making a decision. It has been suggested that I be a "dirty rag-doll" and do freckles, pink cheeks, pig tails, etc - so I am considering that. Here are the stockings, for your viewing pleasure.

The Election
Let it be here, already! I'm so tired of talking politics and seeing political signs, commercials and advertisements. I'm exhausted by it all. I did call nearly 200 potential voters in some swing states over the weekend, though, as a volunteer for MoveOnPac. It was interesting, to say the least. Some people are really over-protective about telling complete strangers who they are voting for. I understand, it's their right, I guess I'm just overly vocal sometimes.

Thanks for your comments on my earlier post. It means a lot to me that you understand and that some of you can sympathize. I have a long way to go with my mother, I know, but my brothers are easily influenced and I only hope that they will learn by my example.

Politics With Family And Friends

2004-10-19T23:23:00.000-05:00

I really hate doing it, honestly, but I find that I can't keep my mouth shut when I overhear people talking about Bush - about voting for Bush in particular.

I'll start with my friend, Nicole. Her husband is voting for Bush, so was she. She also always said that there was something about John Kerry that made her feel uncomfortable, although, she couldn't put her finger on it. Over the past few months, I've talked with her a lot about the Bush administration and the lies, deceit, etc. She never says much, but at least she listens. Finally, she was convinced to explore the issues and get a bit more educated about each candidate. Victory! She rushed up to me one day, "I've changed my mind, I'm voting for Kerry." I was pretty happy that I had helped make a difference, albeit a small one.

Then, today, she comes in to visit me at work and she tells me that she has realized why she can't vote for John Kerry. I was not prepared for the ridiculousness of what I was about to hear. When Nicole was a teenager and lived in another state, she went on a date with a man and went back to his home with him. There, he tried to force sex upon her. The man looks just like John Kerry, she says. First of all, EWW, I thought she had better taste then that!! I'm finding it really difficult to understand why someone would not vote for a candidate due to a resemblance to someone that has hurt them. Whatever floats your boat. I am probably sounding really insensitive right now, but if you knew and how everyone she's ever gone out with has tried to rape her, you would be a little calloused, too.

Now, my family. UGH. My mom is a very uninformed republican voter. I hate that. So, this year I've been throwing facts in her face and expressing my disgust for the current administration. Over the weekend, I rented Fahrenheit 9/11. The movie really moved her - especially the footage from Iraq. I don't think people realize what really goes on over there, and sometimes I don't think they even care. Anyway, she said that she will vote democrat this time, that she feels it is the right thing to do. "Except", she says, "I don't like gays and they support gays."

She makes that statement in front of my 15 year old brother, who chimes in, "GROSS!!! Gay people are gross!!" Great parenting there, eh? This makes me so angry. I've tried and tried to get her to view the situation differently, or at least to keep her mouth shut in front of my brothers. I think I'll rent the Matthew Shepard story for her, next, since movies seem to work a little.

I don't understand how gay people nor how their marriage to one another violates my rights as an American. You love who you love and I'm all about that.

My mother has never been exposed to homosexuality and she is rather religious, but it doesn't matter. It upsets me and I don't know how to make her understand where I am coming from.

Congratulations are in order!

2004-10-08T02:55:00.000-05:00

Gudy had a baby girl! It seems that everyone is doing well, too. I can't wait to hear the whole story and to see the pictures that have been promised :)

Congratulations, Gudy!

You know you've had a good weekend when...

2004-10-06T03:22:00.000-05:00

...you unpack and find 55 sets of beads, one drumstick, a new pink sockhat and a flavored non-lubricated condom. UNUSED! Someone just gave it to me.

I have decided that I will return to Bean Blossom, Indiana each year in October for the biketoberfest because I had a blast! I met a really fun/cute/nice guy named Ryan who gladly gave me his phone number. I wish I were brave enough to call him, but I'm not. Maybe next week I will be.

The situation is like this. Over the weekend, I fell in love with myself. I was nice to people, I talked to strangers and people were interested in talking back! I felt pretty and smart and just generally GOOD. I don't usually feel like that, I usually hide and talk to only my friends. I walked around with Ryan like the bravest girl on earth that I am not. We talked about everything imaginable since we stayed awake until 8am on Sunday when we had to leave and it was perfect until the last 10 minutes.

He asked me why I was so afraid of him.

Can you imagine my irritation? I was afraid of him, but I was hiding it so well! I was afraid of him because I liked him, a whole lot and I really was enjoying myself. I hate it that I am that readable. Maybe he was just a good guesser.

Now I am home and I don't like me very much again. I really need to work on that.

I could tell you one million crazy things that happened over the weekend, but I'm tired and grouchy and the stories won't be good right now.

I'll tell you another time, I promise.

Whew! What a birthday!

2004-09-30T23:58:00.000-05:00

Birthday number twenty-five turned out to be the best birthday that I have had in a long time, and quite possibly the best one ever!

Friday night a friend from school had a small get together for the occasion where I met Jake, the Ambercrombie object of my affection. Such a jerk, but so nice to gaze upon. I'm actually glad I was able to meet him because now I'm quite sure I would never like to have him for myself, whereas previously, I was sure he was God's gift to women. He, on the other hand is still sure that he is God's gift to women, and that makes me not like the boy so much. He is definately good for my eyes, though... if only he didn't talk.

Saturday, my birthday, was the Best Day Ever. I woke really early, much earlier than I intended and found cards filled with cash, boxes wrapped in pink paper with daisies and a breakfast of french toast, sausages, bacon and eggs. I love my mom! After breakfast I went to see my Grams, my father's mother... my favorite grandparent (shhh, don't tell the others). What a hoot she is!! She makes me look forward to growing old, a little, because she has done it with such grace and ease. Her husband died only two years ago and I was worried that she would change, forever, but I was wrong, she's my same ole crazy Grams. She took me to lunch and informed me that she had finally gotten herself a hearing aid and that I needed to lower my voice. This comes from the woman who I've had to yell at for the past 10 years, the same woman who mistook words like "cadillac" for "miracle whip". We loved her hard of hearing-ness, because she made it so endearing and she loves to laugh at herself. Now we all love her hearing aid, because it makes life even funnier. While sitting in the restaurant, she looked at me with the most serious face ever and asked me if I could hear her swallowing and if it bothered me. She told me that I had probably put up with her swallowing for all of these years and never said anything. I was about to drop to the floor laughing at this point. It has been so long since she could hear well that the slightest sounds drive her nuts, herself swallowing included, obviously.

I stayed and talked with her for awhile and then headed back home, hoping for a nap. Ha! I had cake, with candles, and opened my gifts from my family before they all headed off for a football game. Krista came over next and we had a "getting ready party". This consists of loud music, acting silly and me trying on everything in the closet. Not to forget me attempting to alleviate all signs of frizz from my hair. It worked too, until about 1am.

Moving along..

We went to Fast Eddy's, one of my favorite clubs in Indiana and had to wait in line since they were over capacity. I got in free because I'm either really good at flirting or he really cared that it was my birthday. There was a great band playing and they invited me to go on stage and have a shot, on them. We danced and chatted with cute boys and danced more, and more. Then, we noticed some guys from our town and went to say hi. Josh, this supercute guy that is in my nursing classes was there and I am pretty sure that we displayed some pretty inappropriate behavior towards one another. I was rather embarrased to see him on Monday morning because I can't exactly remember what happened but I think we at least kissed. I'm a completely different person at school and I'm sure he was really shocked. Really shocked. There were about seven of the guys and six of us girls, so we all went to eat at Denny's at 3am, after the club closed. I really don't know what happened after that point, but I know I had fun.

I finally had the nerve to talk to Josh today in class and i just told him I was sorry if I said or did anything inappropriate. He started laughing, winked, and told me that he had a great time. Too bad he has a girlfriend - I hope she knows how lucky she is.

So, great friends, cute boys and insane amounts of alcohol lead me to believe that 25 will be a very, very good year.

In other news, I'm carrying a 93.7% in one of my classes and a 97.8% in the other. This seems to be well above the norm, since most of my friends are failing (anything below a 78% is considered failing). I'm actually not putting forth that much effort and I should be doing more, but I'm enjoying school and I like learning.

When I think about what I want to do when I complete school and when I envision myself as a nurse, I get really excited. I'm glad I couldn't decide what to do with my life when I was supposed to make that decision, because I'm pretty sure that I would have done something else... this is it for me. I can't wait until I can sign my name, and add a comma and the initials, "RN". 19 months away - I CAN do this.

This weekend is Bean Blossom, a motorcycle rally in Indiana. I'm going with my friend Jeanie, her husband and our friend Brad. I haven't been camping all year and the area where we are going is simply gorgeous, so I'm really excited and I think I'll have a great time.

I'm not even going to comment on the presidential debates.

Oh! Thanks for all of the birthday and belated birthday wishes - you people are fabulous!

Mandatory Birthday Post

2004-09-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

Saturday, September 25th I will turn 25 and begin the year in which I will have lived one quarter of a century. To say I feel old would be entirely false - I feel younger now then I did 2 years ago, thanks to young friends and a new outlook on life. To say that I feel like I am running out of time to do the things I planned in my life would be entirely true. I'm not stressing about it though, things will happen in their own time.

Mom already took me on a shopping excursion, since I am too difficult to buy for (suure) and let me pick out some gifts. I came home with a coat, a jacket, a few shirts and a hella cool pair of shoes. I have serious problems when it comes to shoes and coats/jackets. I have more jackets than I would ever wear, but I just LOVE buying them.

I also recently grabbed Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, which I have heard is better than The DaVinci Code, which I finished ages ago and thoroughly enjoyed. I should really update my reading list to the right. My watching list too, since The OC and the new Survivor have both started.

My birthday weekend looks to be quite fun. Friday night one of my school-mates is throwing a party for me at her place - and my sister is going to come which thrills me to no end. Saturday consists of dinner with whoever wants to show up at the local Mexican place and later clubbing with my closest pals. Krista's birthday is Tuesday and Jeanie's was yesterday, so it's a joint celebration for the three of us. I haven't been out in a long time and I'm really looking forward to it.

In other news, two of my closest friends, Tim and Beth were in Milton, FL when the hurricane came through and even though I have not spoke with them personally yet (damn schedule conflicts), it seems that they are doing okay, with some property damage only. I woke up at 5:00am the morning Ivan hit the coast and barely left the weather channel all morning - I was really worried about them. The good folks that they are, though, passed on word rather quickly that all was well.

I will admit that I haven't been reading any blogs for about a week. I'm training Krista at work and my blog is private from her, so I haven't been able to read at work, which is my normal blog time. Dealing with dial-up at home leaves much to be desired. I plan to catch up with everyone this week, though.

Thank you to everyone who posted happy thoughts on my last entry - you all made me feel a bit better about the situation. I'm healing slowly, but surely and eventually, he'll be an insignificant piece of my old life, I hope. Ross, if you read this and you have a blog, would you care to let me know the url?

One more big thank you to Johnny Huh for being the first person to wish me a happy birthday - thanks for thinking of me!

Time to close out this hodgepodge of a blog entry - sorry for the disorder!

P.S. This post keeps disappearing and ending up as a draft, so i've republished it about 4 times now. Just wanted to explain in case anyone was confused. I know I am.

AJ

2004-09-10T03:59:00.000-05:00

I loved a man once, awhile ago. He was the last person I allowed myself to fall in love with before I became the detached soul that I am today and he was worth it.

I knew he was after my heart from the moment I laid eyes on him. A friend of a friend, you know the story. He stole my number and I pretended to be offended when he called me the first time. We stayed on the phone for 3 hours or more that first time, and the next, and the one after that, every day for a week until I could see him again. We molded into one so abruptly, and I was never scared - i was fearless. I handed him my heart in a box with only a small warning, don't hurt me, it was an empty warning, because I knew he never would and he assured me, i never could because it would break me to hurt you.

He would stare at me when I wasn't watching, he always told me that my eyes told a different story about me than the one my mouth did. He never could get over them - the green that changes to almost black when i'm filled with fury, the way they sparkle when my heart is happy. No one has ever noticed my eyes since or before, but he seemed to be spellbound by them sometimes. And he was right, I am a different girl on the inside - he could see that when no one else bothered to.

He had a slight obsession with my hair, too - his fingers would lazily twirl the ends when I would lie my head near him. He was a pony-tail theif, oh, he just hated it when my hair wasn't down. I still think he was envious since his had started the receding process and he didn't have hair to twirl.

Then, there were the foot massages. My favorite place in the world was to be sitting on the counter in the kitchen with my legs wrapped around him, my feet in his hands. He would knead out the worries of my mind, right through my feet and I would fall for him all over again. There really is nothing like a man who likes to rub feet. We never said much during those times, I guess we didn't have to.

I laughed so much with him. Lazy Sundays would be spent in bed, giggling with each other, being silly. I spent those days being light-hearted and carefree, in the arms of someone who was as crazy about me as I was about him. Crazy we were. He handled me on my crazy days in just the way that I needed him to. I wish he would write a manual so that I could share it with people who can't deal with crazy me. I would get so angry when he made things better - I would try to fight with him, I would do anything to make him angry with me, but it never worked. He saw right through me and he stood right by me, even when I was feeling so off.

It was so easy to be with him, we fit together, we were a match, the perfect pair. I would lie on the floor and watch him strum his guitar and sing quiet little songs and I would think of how happy my life was going to be with him in it. I just knew he was my forever and I was his. I never had an inch of doubt that he wouldn't be with me for a very long time, but i never rushed things. We didn't talk about the future, ever, and I just thought he would always be in it.

One day his ex-girlfriend called. She had big news. The biggest.

She was pregnant.

I watched the turmoil come over him in the next few hours. He just knew I hated him, I knew I didn't. I told him that we would work it out together, that I wasn't going anywhere and it didn't matter. We thought it would be okay, we both loved kids and he loved me.

Then, he slammed the door in my face and he'll never be back.

Her empty threats of taking his daughter away forever unless he went back to her convinced him that he must do just that - and he did. He walked out of my life as fast as he had walked into it and I hate him every day for it. He took that little box, with my heart and I can't seem to find it now.

God, how I miss him. He called all the time at first, telling me that he still loved me and he'd find a way for us, somehow, but he just couldn't leave his daughter, he couldn't risk it then. I made him stop calling. I couldn't take it and I still can't take it. I throw the phone when he sends me text messages, and the mouse when he emails me. I want to forget that he even exists so that I won't know what I am missing. I want to be that girl that I was before I loved him, before he hurt me. I want my heart back.

But it was worth it - to be loved like that, to love like that, without fear or worry - those were the greatest days of my life. It was far from perfect, I'm sure, and I don't live in the world where I'll never love anyone like I did him, but I was just happy. Easily happy, without trying very hard and I really miss that.

I find myself wondering if it was all a dream, or if I just saw something that wasn't there. I've been in a lot of relationships where I thought I was happy, but I was never really happy until him. I also wonder if it was all a lie, if he ever really cared or if I was just someone to pass the time. It mustn't have been, since I read his pain in each email or text, but he can't hurt that badly, or he would come back.

Not that I would take him back. I wouldn't. I wish I could give people more chances, but I don't - I can't. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't survive another AJ.

Sexy Cheese!

2004-09-10T01:22:00.000-05:00

1. What's the sexiest name you've ever heard?
I'll have to go with Camille on this one. Was I supposed to pick a male name? Hmm. What does that tell you?

2. What's your idea of a romantic evening?
At this point having someone to hold my hand during a movie would make me feel very good. My ideal romantic evening would be a meal at a nice, quiet restaurant, with a table nestled in a secluded corner or on a balcony. Then a walk in a park, on the beach or in some unusual/unique place. Ending it with some lovin on a tall "princess bed" with high-thread count sheets and champagne in bed would be pretty much perfect.

3. Where's the most romantic place you know?
There's a city near me, Evansville, and there is a brick street that doesn't allow cars on it. It's called the "riverfront" even though it isn't parallel to the river. Anyway, the place is just lovely and it's never busy. There are lamp posts lining the streets, gorgeous trees, and lots of history.

4. What's the most romantic gesture someone's made to you?
Feh.

5. What was your most romantic gesture?
Once, for my ex, I set up a blanket in the backyard and had a picnic basket filled with his favorite foods. I brought along some wine and candles, as well. It looked perfect - until he got there and didn't "feel like it". Bastard.

So, i'm not much for romance these days, but maybe you would like some romantic Cheddar-x for yourself.

Better Late Than Never Cheddar

2004-09-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

So I know I never do this on time... and without further ado...

1. Who's your favorite superhero?
Most likely Superman. I really love Smallville and I always liked Lois and Clark when it was running. The symobolism of Superman is appealing to me - he seems well rounded and sane and all that.

2. Who's your favorite villain?
Man, I really love Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. I know, I'm a dork.

3. What was your last brush with greatness?
Tough question for me. I haven't missed a single point on any quiz or test in nursing, thus far - and everyone hates me for it!

4. Who is the last celebrity you've seen in public?
Well, since the midwest is crawling with celebrities (note sarcasm), this doesn't normally happen to me. I did, however, meet Walt Willy, from All My Children a couple of times since he comes to the comedy club here. He's actually pretty damn funny.

5. What's the most important event on your horizon?
Graduation. Oh, well, and my next trip to L.A., of course.

6. What did you think of Bush's speech last night?
Do you need me to answer this? I despise Bush.

So, that wraps it up almost in time for this week's Cheddar! Go get some for yourself!

Cheesie Goodness

2004-08-31T23:19:00.000-05:00

1. What's the cleverest word play you've read or made up?
This is so stupid... anyway... last semester when I was taking Microbiology we were taught how to describe what broth (bacteria + a growing medium in a test tube) looked like. We had to describe the pellicle, sediment and any floaty stuff which I have already forgotten the technical name for. Anyway, the teacher was near my desk as I was having trouble "seeing" the sediment in my test tube - he told me to keep looking and gave me some tips. I kept trying to see something, anything, to no avail. Finally, he came over and said "oh, wow, that is just water, i gave you the wrong tube. Sorry about that!"... I replied, "My sediments, exactly". Stupid.

2. What's the most outrageous cover story you've ever tried to make up?
Definately the time I lied and said I had a tooth pulled and couldn't go on a date with a guy I didn't like. Unfortunately, he was related to my dentist.

3. Did it work?
Obviously not. He got the point, though.

4. Favorite line from a song? (Eighteen double oh and a table dance).
"Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending to the bad day, i was just beginning" From My Favorite Mistake. I don't know why it is my favorite, but it rings through my head quite often.

5. What has been your favorite Olympic moment?
Paul Hamm's comeback to win the gold in the men's all around.

6. What sport shouldn't be in the Olympics?
I'm going to have to concur with Johnny on the speed walking.

7. What sport should be in the Olympics?
Drinking.

8. What's wrong with the Olympics?
I mostly watched gymnastics, so I'm going to have to go with judging.

Are you still here? Go get your own Cheddar-X!

Arnold + cliches + movie quotes =

2004-08-31T22:18:00.000-05:00

me wanting to vomit.

I tried to watch. I thought maybe I wanted to be informed or know what the "other side" is up to. Really though, it was more like a bad car wreck - I couldn't stop watching, even though it was gross. That "True Lies" crack at the beginning of his speech was nothing besides petty and childish. Remember, though, he is living every "immigrant's dream". Wake-up, Arnie!

Next, naming America as the inspiration for the teardown of the Berlin Wall, Tiananmen Squqre and Nelson Mandela's electoral victory - please.

I don't talk politics with friends and rarely on my blog, so I'm going to shut it up now.

But above all else, remember, "Don't be economic girlie men.''

Excuse me while I go expel the contents of my stomach.

Finally!

2004-08-26T23:45:00.000-05:00

I am not handling things very well right now. For the sake of simplicity, I shall make a bulleted list of all of the things that are causing my stress levels to elevate towards the heavens.

My mother is having a mid-life crisis and has chosen to stick me directly in the middle of it. She can speak of nothing besides how much she hates her job and how great the sex is with her new boyfriend (coming only about 2 months after my parents divorce). She has given up on taking my brothers to school, leaving me responsible to do so, and although I don't mind, I am missing 45 minutes of sleep that I could really use. I have also completely taken over making all of their meals, cleaning up after them and delegating chores. I'm their sister, not their mother and they are going to end up hating me for this.
My best friend, Krista, has been hired at my hospital to take half of my shifts since I can not work full time due to school. She is training on day shift and she has informed everyone, including my boss, that she is: more intelligent than I, more organized and will quickly excel and exceed me in my position. I have 2 years of experience here and she has never held down a job for more than 3 months. You do the math while I kick her in the head for being a backstabbing bitch. I am looking for new employment.
My sister is in her first year of college and has chosen to go into Early Childhood Development. She hates the teacher who teaches those classes so she dropped them all. She just wants to be "a housewife and a mother". I am totally disappointed and have been urging her with everything I have to pick up some additional classes and at least get an associates degree in general studies. She is mad at me for not respecting her choices.
School is insane. I expected level one nursing to be difficult, but I did not expect it to be a disorganized clusterfuck. Even on the weekends my instructors are emailing assignments. They change the class times all the time as if we don't really have any other priorities in our lives. The girl that sits next to me was worried about a drug test because she "smokes a little pot". That angers me.
I spend a minimum of three hours per day on school stuff and I am a fast reader. I do not mind the work, but if the load increases any more I may have to stab myself in the eye.
I am $300 short for book money and am missing three books that are of moderate importantce. I'm working 20 hours per week since my boss decided to give the extra shifts available on the weekends to Krista. Thanks.
Due to stress, I have been clenching my jaw and griding my teeth at night. This, combined with a lower wisdom tooth coming in is causing some great pain in my mouth. I really need to get to the dentist, but who can afford that on this income?

Argh! I'm really not being a whiny brat, I handle stress pretty well normally. None of these things are absolutely horrible or anything, but all of them combined is making me a little tense. I know that compared to some of you, I have it pretty easy, but I tend to lead a very laid back lifestyle. I try not to let things bother me and at this point, I'm way past "bothered".

I'm glad that the weekend is here and I look forward to next week being much better.

Not Dead...

2004-08-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

...just really busy. School started last week and it's much more demanding than I could have imagined.

A proper post coming late tomorrow evening.

Insomnia, The Bitch

2004-08-17T04:02:00.000-05:00

In accordance with Gratuitous Swearing Week, please allow me to share how I feel about how I've been feeling for the last week.

I can't fucking sleep at night. I lie in bed with the lights off, the fan on, lavender scents floating through the air and the room nice and cool. The shit just doesn't work. I'm not even thinking about crap - you know, the racing thoughts? Yeah, no - I don't have that. I just can't fucking sleep.

So, I turn on the television to find nothing but shitty infomercials and dumbass shows about shit I don't give a shit about. I find the most boring things to watch, hoping that I'll be bored into sleeping. No. That doesn't work either.

I think it's bullshit. Ma says I'm still suffering from jet lag - whatever, it has been a week. I'm not nervous about school, work is fine. I'm a little irritated with my mother for reasons that I have not yet disclosed in this blog - she is being a serious ass-face about things that don't require the level of bitchiness that she is exerting. Other than that, I'm fine, I feel fine. I wish I were one of those productive insomniacs. Heh.

Now, it is nearly four-thirty in the morning and I need to be up by eight to go deal with the slutbags from the financial aid department at my college - that's just lovely.

Esta vida es un asco.

Life's Scripts

2004-08-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

I get tired of people talking to me sometimes. I'd prefer someone not to say anything at all if they are going to say, "Hi, how are you?". I am under the impression that most people do not care "how I am", aside from a few close loved ones. So, why ask? It isn't polite, it's boring.

I don't ask, usually, I try to come up with something at least a little better. If I've only met the person briefly before I remind them of who I am and attempt to ask them about something I learned about them from our previous meeting, such as their job, children, whatever - anything, ANYTHING but "how are you?" I will ask that question if I honestly want to know the answer - but that is rare in passing crowd conversation.

How do we get in such a rut with conversation? I'm not sure about you, but I don't want to leave someone with a first impression of me that will assure them that I am the same as every other 20 something they've ever met.

But, when I do get asked that bold, interesting question of "how are you?" - I at least try to come up with something slightly creative as an answer. It's obviously difficult because we rarely really mean what we say. If I'm having a nervous breakdown inside, I am hardly going to say, "I feel like my brain is going to implode, and you?" - and send someone running for the straightjackets. So, we all lie, don't we? How many times have you said things like, "fine, thanks" or "good, and you?" when you weren't fine and you weren't good - you were just being polite and following the script passed down to you for gazillions of years.

Today, someone asked how I was.

I said, "I'm actually absolutely wonderful, thank you."

And I meant it.

Cheddar Time!

2004-08-12T04:34:00.000-05:00

So, I've skipped a few Cheddar-X posts. Not because I didn't like them, only because I am lazy and couldn't be bothered with the required thinking that Cheddaring involves. But, here we are again with a new and different Cheddar.

Would you rather:Sing country songs buck naked to the PTA or come across your "art" photos on a porn site?

Definately the art on the porn site. At least then the chances of someone I actually know seeing it would be a little more slim.

Have a biker gang for neighbors or five chatty Chihuahuas within barking distance?

Such a no-brainer for me. I happen to like bikers and hate yippy dogs.

Be addicted to sniffing modeling glue or be addicted to huffing butane from Bic lighters?

I'm getting the giggles, here. I'm guessing the lighters might be cheaper in the long run. Of course, I'm not sure how to huff anything - I guess I would have to learn.

Lick a 9 volt battery or lick the bottom of your foot?

Licking a 9 volt battery is awesome.

Ketchup soup or mustard soup?

Mustard, hands down.

Live in a great house in a place you don't like or a bad house in a place you love?

I would rather have the bad house in the place I love. Most bad houses have potential - most places you hate do not.

Spend a weekend at a spa or spend a weekend camping?

This is a tough one. I love the outdoors, I love camping - but I also love being pampered. I'm going to go with the camping since the weather has cooled off here and it is just putting me camping mode.

1. What would you host a cable tv program about?

Home pedicures.

2. What or who do you lust for?

Angelina Jolie and fresh papaya.

3. You've got a spare $5,000, what do you do with it?

I'm extremely upset with my college's financial aid department at this moment, so I would likely take it and shove it up their as-- oh, wait, I would use it for my tuition and books. It would also be rather tempting to save until my next break and use it for a trip to somewhere.

4. How often do you see your family?

I see my biological mother and two half brothers almost daily, my ex-step-father one a week, my biological father and his girlfriend about twice a month, my half sister once a week, my half brother 3 times a year. I see my grandparents 4 or 5 times a year.

I think I like this Cheddar. Want your own? Clickey, Clickey

Vaca Part II

2004-08-12T02:00:00.000-05:00

I think I'm supposed to be on Sunday - yes.

Sunday I woke up and ran to the mirror. I was quite sure that a small furry animal had crawled into my mouth and died. It was not so. Dry heat mixed with extreme amounts of alcohol had left me quite dehydrated. As I stood there I realized that I also had a pounding headache reminding me of how much fun I'd had the night before. It was close to check out time so I spent the next hour packing 2 or 3 items and then lying back on the bed. It was rough.

The other bridesmaid headed over to Jamba Juice and got me a citrusy something, which made me feel much better. I also was fortunate enough to ride in the best man's mustang to Norco - with the top down. Chris, the best man, he loves to talk and I really like to listen, especially about things I don't already know. So, it was like having my own personal tour guide from Newport Beach to Norco. Norco is a strange town. It's name derives from "North Corona", with Corona being the town just to the south. Anyway, Norco is an old horse town and in the residential areas, instead of sidewalks, there are horsewalks or whatever you call them. We were staying with a very gracious couple who lived in a five bedroom house with a pool and three horses. I might have moved in if they would have let me. I ate lunch and headed inside for a nap. The bride's sister-in-law woke me when Michael arrived and I went out to speak with him a bit. He only really came by to tell me good-bye and I was happy that he did. When he left I put on my suit and swam and lounged by the pool for the rest of the day. I could really make a living doing that.

After dinner I sat outside and talked with Ed, the owner of the house. We engaged in a political debate. It was HORRID. He is a very conservative republican - I am so far from either. So, he basically kept telling me that I was wrong and that I didn't understand what he was talking about because I am a WOMAN. Ugh. I tried to be diplomatic, but really, he was just pissing me off by treating my like I was an inferior idiot. I headed to bed.

We woke at 3am to head to LAX. Saving $50 on my ticket was so not worth the nightmare that was LAX. We were lost after exiting the freeway due to all lanes being closed - we ended up in Compton. From what I understand, Compton is not a good place to be. But, we finally made it to the airport. The rest of my group missed their flight and I only made it because I used sex appeal and money to bribe a skycap into taking me to the front of check-in and security. I'm not proud of that, at all - but I was glad to be on that plane.

I arrived in St. Louis on time, with both bags, miraculously and headed home. That was Monday. It is now Wednesday and I am starting to feel like a human being again.

I loved it there, though. I am planning another trip in December, just to make sure it wasn't an illusion.

Bittersweet Homecoming

2004-08-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

I get homesick really easily. It isn't really that I miss anyone from home, I just miss the comforts of home. I quickly tire of living out of suitcases, overtaking someone's guest room or having to make sure I'm awake by the time the maid service comes to straighten my hotel room.

This was the first time I've gone anywhere and was actually sad to come home. I had more fun than should be legal and I felt like I belonged there. Everything came easily to me, I was comfortable. I had the best time! Anyway, on to the stories.

I arrived Thursday afternoon at Ontario Airport and met up with the other bridesmaid and her boyfriend. We were picked up by the rest of the "family" and headed back to the home of the future bride and groom. They live in Hesperia which is, if I understood correctly, in the mountains/desert. I believe the elevation was about 3,000 ft and the smog wasn't as bad as I had expected. Truthfully, the landscape looked very similar to that of New Mexico and Mexico. Lots of dirt, little grass and extremely dry. The weather in the mountains was ideal. It was hot, but there was no humidity and a constant breeze. We spent a lot of time outside and I spent a lot of time drinking beer. I like beer. We had a cookout that night and I had a chance to talk with the other bridesmaid, Jenny and her boyfriend, Andy, as well as the bride's brother and his wife. The five of us got along famously for the remainder of our time there. Andy likes to make people laugh and I do as well - although I usually don't enjoy sharing the "spotlight" with anyone, we played off of each other so well and had everyone in giggles most of the time.

On Friday we woke early and the girls headed to a manicure/pedicure boutique. I had the spa pedicure, which meant that I got to sit in a huge massage chair and have my toes done. I was in heaven. I also got an american manicure (like a french one, only with natural white instead of french white on the tips), which I ruined - more on that later.

After we were done being pampered we checked into our hotel at Newport Beach and changed clothes to head to the ocean. At this point, we were beginning to learn that it takes over an hour to get everyone ready to go somewhere. We had a total of 14 people running around with us and everytime we went somewhere we had to stand around and argue about who was driving, who was riding in which vehicle and over things that don't matter in general. So, Jenny and I decided we were sick of it and that we were going to the beach. She tracked down the driver of the hotel shuttle to take us and we were just about to pull off when the bride came running up, clearly upset, wishing to take us to the beach herself. So, we reluctantly climbed out of the shuttle and proceeded to do the standard arguing before departing. Then, we got lost. I mean, we are in Newport Beach, how hard can it be to find the ocean?! Finally, Jenny convinced her to pull over and get directions and we made it. I love the beach area in Newport, it seems so classic to me, very clean and not at all over-crowded. After playing there for awhile we headed back to the hotel and I was introduced to the groom's brother, Michael. Mmm. Right, anyway, we went to dinner at an excellent seafood place, The Rockin' Baja Lobster Grill (or something similar anyway) where I consumed a pound of crab legs in record time. Unfortunately, I was also consuming large fishbowls of beer and managed to forget to be careful and ruined my manicure. The crablegs had some kind of seasoning on them which adhered to my nails, leaving me with orange, ugly fingernails. Eww. We took a walk on the pier next and then headed back to the hotel for general goofing off and playing Catchphrase.

Saturday was the wedding day and I slept until almost noon. My body was so tired from traveling and the fact that I pulled a night shift the night before I left, traveled all day, and slept on the couch for four hours the next night at the bride's house. We walked around the hotel and grabbed some lunch and a Jamba Juice and then went to go get lovely for the wedding.

Her wedding was on a boat called the Angela Louise. The boat cruised around the harbor during the wedding and reception. It was magnificent. I spent a lot of time with Michael and I started to notice that maybe my slight crush wasn't one sided. When it was time to leave he saw to it that I made it back to the hotel safely and then he and I went for more alcohol. Just what we all needed, I'm quite sure. Back in my hotel room, everyone hung out and had fun. Michael ended up asking to stay in my room and I didn't object. He is a nice guy and let's all face it - I was dying for some affection. He was very sweet to me and I miss him already. I didn't even exchange phone numbers with him. He lives in Phoenix - I don't. If something is meant to happen, I'll run in to him at a later point in my life. I don't mind if he contacts me, of course, but I don't see any need to really.

I have to finish the rest of the trip in the next post - my poor fingers are tired of typing and my eyes are telling me to get my rump into bed.

Chubby Cheek Baby Cuteness

2004-08-09T22:44:00.000-05:00

All the juicy details from my trip are coming soon, but I finally managed to get some pictures of Halie, my godchild, uploaded. I think she is pretty much adorable and precious and I can't get enough of her - ever. She is almost 3 months old now and I swear she grew tons while I was gone.

Check out those chubby cheeks!

That's her with Krista, her mommy just taken today. Shame on me - i've not had a photo taken with her yet. We didn't realize it but I guess I'm always behind the camera.

Free at last!

2004-08-04T04:29:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to announce the beginning of my vacation. I'm off to St. Louis in a few hours to spend the day shopping and going to Grant's Farm. Thursday morning, very early, I'll be departing St. Louis on a plane headed for Los Angeles. I have a lifelong friend who has bestowed me with the honor of being a bridesmaid in her wedding on Saturday. While it doesn't look to be extremely relaxing, I still hope to have fun and come back with a better attitude towards my job, especially.

I am vowing to be internet free the entire time (we shall see if I actually live up to that) so no comments or emails from me until Monday when I return. I hope to have stories and photos to share at that time as well.

hey, you

2004-08-03T23:42:00.000-05:00

if i could find myself in your arms for just a moment
maybe i would feel safe
and maybe my dreams wouldn't be empty

A Very Nice Day

2004-07-31T16:49:00.000-05:00

I really like being alone. I, too, enjoy spending time with other people and being social, but especially lately, with everything I'm involved in, I have been longing for a nice long stretch of time to be alone.

Today, that happened. The family is off to my aunts for the weekend, the phone is not ringing, there is no work and no school. I find myself being in heaven, by myself.

To celebrate the day, I slept until noon. Upon awakening, I peeked out the window for a look at the weather. It was super sunny! Armed with a book, a bottle of water and a lounge chair, I headed out to enjoy the day, by myself. In my shorts and tank top I stretched out on the lawn chair, closed my eyes and relaxed. I felt my body unwind, my mind moving from thinking about the chaos of finding someone to help me out at work, my trip to California and wondering how I'm going to pay for my books this semester. Everything that bothers me and winds me up slowly seeped away. The sun stayed bright for a long time and then the inevitable clouds moved in. I didn't mind so much though, I flipped over onto my belly and grabbed my book. As an aside, I'm reading the Da Vinci Code. I know it's "the thing" right now, but honestly, it is brilliant, I recommend it, highly.

When I felt the backs of my knees become moist and felt sweat on my chest and face I decided i should go inside. I am a fair skinned maiden and am not allowed to worship the sun for long periods of time.

Once inside, I had the perfect "summer lunch". Corn on the cob seasoned with garlic, cottage cheese, sliced cucumber, fresh mushrooms and some papaya. How I love papaya. I ate slowly, savoring every bite, relishing in the fact that I never eat slowly or alone. I opened my book at the tabled and devoured it right along with the food.

Next, there was some zinfadel left from some entertaining my mother had done a week or so ago. I poured a glass, ran a bubble bath and soaked until I was covered in wrinkles. I climbed unto the counter in the bathroom and examined my face in the mirror. The face still looks the same, but I don't feel like the same person. Odd how we change and no one knows. I sat there for awhile, looking at myself, my pink cheeks. I made faces at myself and laughed aloud, I really am a dork.

I took a break from the relaxation to blog, because it felt like the right thing to do on this perfect day. Now I shall brew some coffee and sit in the rocking chair on the porch.

I'll have one of these days per week, please. Thank you.

Because I Don't Want You To Think I'm Crazy

2004-07-23T00:55:00.000-05:00

I started this blog because I needed to talk about me. I needed to talk about how I feel inside on a regular basis so that it stopped getting all jumbled up in my head, creating a bigger mess than what is already there. Unfortunately, I don't do that as often as I intended because I like my small base of readers and because I don't want you to think I'm crazy.

I'm not crazy.

But there are a lot of things wrong.

I like for people to feel like they really know me, to connect with me on a deep level and understand me. But, I won't let people. I can't be open because it scares me - people don't talk about the things that I need to say because it just is not normal. Maybe everyone has emotional problems and maybe everyone is scared like I am, but I doubt it.

I mostly blame myself for all of the things that are wrong with me. I had my first sexual experience at a very young age with a person that I cared as much about as possible at that level of maturity. To this day he is the only person from my past that I don't resent for hurting me. Maybe he started the downward spiral, but I don't think he did. I think I probably did. After he and I broke things off, we stayed friends and I proceeded to engage myself in one wounding relationship after another with each one being a little worse than the one before. I quickly learned to conform to whomever I was involved with - to be the person that they were most pleased with and to say the right things. Sometimes I would snap back into the real me - and I paid for it. I've never been hit in my life, by anyone, and yet I think I must know just how those that have been feel, and why they keep going back. And I did keep going back with each one until I came to a realization that I was in a very unhealthy situation. It was usually a couple of years too late, but at least I left. I left and I would move on to someone else and end up in the same situation, usually worse. I would leave again, more broken then before. A girl who has become broken-up pieces of all then men she tried to love.

My obvious desire for detrimental relationships made me realize that I am the one causing the problem. I allow myself to be treated poorly, all in the name of love, because, after all, that is all there is to life, right?

I figured it out about 18 months ago. I don't need love anymore. I don't even want it. I have dated a lot since then, even had half-year long pseudorelationships since then - completely loveless relationships. I used to be filled with the greatest passion and I would love with all that I am and everything I have. Now, I just don't care anymore. I realize that at some point I am going to have a desire to love someone again and I know that I'm going to screw it up. I went to therapy and I hated it. Who really wants to listen to someone tell you how fucked up you are? I don't - and I bolted. Typical coping mechanism for me, if you haven't figured that out by now.

I like to run away from people - it is the only power that I have, the only time I feel like I'm in control. I play mind games with myself and tell myself that if I let anyone get close to me, emotionally, I'm toast. So, I push and push and push until they are gone - and if they don't give up on me after all of that, I leave. It's so easy for me. I have been so hurt and so confused for so long and if I really let someone know how I feel inside, they will leave anyway and then I will know that I am not worth loving. When the power of dismissal is within me, I never have to get to that point.

The only thing that I did get out of my therapist was that no one can help me except me. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that and trying to find out how only makes me sad and angry. I prefer to go on acting like there is nothing wrong with me. I prefer to keep strengthening the shell around my heart and feigning self confidence like I have for so long.

This entry all stems from a conversation that I had last night with a good online friend. I'm not even sure how the subject was broached, but we proceeded to talk about me and all of the above things that I have shared with you - it was a big step for me and I was sad for a long time after, and I'm sure that he probably thinks I'm a complete mess, but I hope not. It was nice for someone to tell me that I'm not alone - and for him to share the brutal honesty with me that I do have a lot of emotional baggage, and that I'll never be an easy person for someone to love.

This is really only the tip of the iceberg. I have hope, though, and I'm patient. There's a solution for me somewhere within me and if I don't find it, someday it will surface and I will be a whole person again. Until then, I'll keep my days and nights full with school, work, my friends and family - the more silence, the more I think about it and I don't like that.

I am so desperate for love and so sure that I must always push it away. I think I even push myself away from loving me. Crazy.

Stale Cheddar Is Better Than No Cheddar

2004-07-18T02:53:00.000-05:00

1. If you had a choice, would you be circumsized or not? Why or why not? (ladies, pretend to be men or skip this one) I'm going to go ahead and skip this one. Heh.

2. What elective surgery would you have performed on yourself if expense wasn't an object? I wouldn't even know where to begin. In 20 years I'd say some collagen, maybe.

3. What body part of yours is perfect just the way it is? Well, my feet, but of course.

4. What was your most serious or involved surgery? I've never had any type of surgery - the closest thing I've had was an upper GI, which is barely a "procedure".

5. Ceserean section or vaginal birth? Vaginal

6. Epidural or drug free child birth? Epidural - I'm a wimp.

7. Which is worse, the anticipation or the recovery? I really wouldn't have any idea. I'm guessing the anticipation though.

8. How has your blog's focus shifted over the course of its run? My baby blog is not even a year old yet and the focus hasn't changed a lot, if at all.

9. What has been the main cause of the shift, if there has been one? Although the focus hasn't changed, my idea for the blog definately did. When I created it, I hoped to blog at least once every two days or so, and that just isn't happening. The main causes are that I do not often have the time and sometimes when I do, I just don't feel like writing.

10. How often do you redesign your site? Alot, 3 times since it's beginning. I don't like where I am right now, either. I'm already considering ideas for a new design, but I haven't come up with anything concrete right now.

11. Are you stats mad (interpret that how you will) or don't care about hits, page visits and the like? I do care about hits, but I'm not like psycho about it. The thing that I like to look at is how people ended up on my site via search engines, it can be very humorous at times.

Better go get your own Cheddar-X.

Political Funny-ness

2004-07-18T02:50:00.000-05:00

Click, watch, giggle.

Analyze This

2004-07-15T04:15:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been feeling that I do not wish to be near anyone but me. I do not answer the phone, I stay in my room in my spare time and refuse to answer the door and I do not leave my department when I am at work. I feel angry with everyone.

Until recently, I have not been able to figure out why.

I have brought the fact that I am a "people pleaser" to my own attention. I often do a lot of things that I do not have any interest in just because someone asks me to or because I am afraid of hurting feelings by saying no. Although it has never been much of a problem before, now it is starting to weigh heavily on me.

I am completely exhausted by my real priorities and yet I am still finding it necessary to please everyone around me as well. Spending three hours per day in class, ten at work, two trying to fall asleep, one hour getting ready for class and one getting ready for work, leaves only seven hours in my day. That is seven hours to eat, sleep and be merry. I typically spend one of those seven online and one reading and one doing things like laundry and cooking. So, we are left with four hours per day to sleep. Take away time to drive back and forth to work and class, homework and errands and the conclusion is that I never sleep. The cycle is grossly unending.

By the weekend, I am half dead, a zombie in cargo pants, a t-shirt and Sketchers. My eyes are dark, my smile is tired and I feel like ass warmed over.

By the weekend, I am ready to rest and relax.

Last weekend, after spending a week with a sum total of 12 hours of sleep, I proceeded to go to a mission conference with my mother, because she insisted on it. Something like she would be "so disappointed" if I skipped it. I half-way enjoyed it in the end, but I would have more enjoyed catching up on some sleep. Later that evening I went to a bachelorette party (a lame one at that), with Krista because she only knew the bride and felt uncomfortable going alone. I did not even know the bride, but she encouraged Krista to bring me if she would feel uncomfortable or left out. I definitely did not wish to attend that, and yet, I did. I also drove there, out of town, paid for the gas - and she didn't even ask me to do that, she told me I was going to. All the while, I kept telling myself, this is what friends do for each other.

Is it?

That is how it becomes with me. I say yes so often that people stop asking, they just start assuming that I will and tell me so.

For some reason I woke up on Sunday and realized what was happening to me and the toll it is taking on my body and on my mind. I became very hateful towards everyone, and that is exactly what I felt towards the people that I am supposed to love - hate. I loathed the thought of spending time with anyone and I wanted to go into some deep dark hiding just to get people to leave me alone for one, single day.

Of course, I did not do that.

I could not pinpoint the exact problem until later this week when I tried to analyze why I felt so infuriated with everyone. The problem is not with everyone who pushes me around and abuses my kindness. The problem is with me. Some internal insecurity tells me that people will not like me if I put my foot down and say no every now and then. Heh.

Guess what! I do not care! - oh, of course I care, I want people to enjoy being around me and having my friendship, but damn.

Sauntering through my mind are thoughts of me one and a half years from now, in a new city where no one knows me.

Maybe then I will get some sleep.

Oh, Baby!

2004-07-08T00:28:00.000-05:00

A big, warm congratulations goes out to Johnny and his wife for the birth of their new baby boy, Graydon Carl.

A democrat, puppy lover and proud new father? Where can you find a better blog to read?!

Off-topic Update: The blogroll to the left is growing, slowly but surely. New additions are Gudy and Ryan #2, both of whom I discovered during the Layne Search-a-thon, and Rick, who was discoverd from Ryan #1's comment box. Go. Read. Now.

Plain Layne - The Ending

2004-06-30T03:35:00.000-05:00

So, the people who lived in the Plain Layne comment box had it all figured out. Layne was a hoax. A huge elaborate hoax.

Odin Soli is the male writer behind Layne and as suspected, also the writer behind the not easily forgotten Acanit. He was bold enough to leave an empty explanation for us at Emitter, another blog that was destined to be used for Layne in the beginning but wasn't. There is also an article at City Pages that outlines the entire "investigation" with an added interview with Odin Soli.

How do I feel about the guy? I think he's an arrogant asshole. I really have no problem with the "project" itself. It was great writing, no one can deny that. If there had just been a blog and comments, I think that I wouldn't feel quite so shitty towards Mr. Soli. But, what really happened is he made up an entire person. He didn't stop with the blog. "Layne" had accounts at Hot or Not, Friendster and Orkut. Those are just the few I know about. "Layne" also had instant messaging conversations with her readers, she exchanged in-depth, personal, emotional emails with them, she listened to people talk about their problems and she shared hers. It is these things that cause a problem for me.

Making up a fake person that becomes someone's friend or confidant isn't a release or an escape, it isn't a writing project, a marketing test or some whacked out version of vicarious living.

It is deceit.

Shame on you, Mr. Soli, for the people you deceived. We shouldn't feel like the fools, you should.

Have You Had Your Cheddar Today?

2004-06-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

It's that time again, this weeks island themeCheddar-X is up and ready for the chomping.

1. What shape would your island be?
My island would be round with a small indentation for a nice bay.

2. Would you be more at home on a deserted island or in a crowded city?
Initially, I would say in a crowded city, but I'm smart enough to know that after so many years of the hustle and bustle, I'd be ready for the peaceful serenity of a deserted island.

3. How would you keep yourself entertained on a deserted island?
I would probably learn to carve things from wood or some other type of crafty skill. I'd also constantly explore the island, learning the best streams and food locations and searching for that stunningly beautiful waterfall that is on every deserted island, you know.

4. Who would you miss most if you were on a deserted island?
I'm just going to say "my family", since it's impossible for me to choose just one person.

5. Who would you least like to be stuck on a deserted island with?
Someone who talked a lot and didn't know how to listen.

6. What would be the best thing about being on a deserted island?
Being "back to the basics" and providing for myself with what's available to me.

7. What one thing would you love to take with you?
My guitar, for endless hours of self-entertainment. Of course, then I'd have to have extra strings too, so I guess that's two things.

The Phenomena That Is Gmail

2004-06-24T22:03:00.000-05:00

Being a blogger acccount holder, I suppose I was in the first batch of people to obtain a gmail account. Oh, and you know I was the envy of all of my friends (right). Not my friends, persay, but zillions of people nonetheless. A few weeks after actively using my account I obtained the ability to invite people to gmail. At first, the invites came sparingly, now, they are reappearing as soon as I use them.

Somehow, I stumbled upon the Gmail Swap site. What a clusterfuck! People are actually willing to trade things for a precious gmail account. Sorry, but I can't imagine giving something away for an email account. Perhaps, before yahoo increased its storage size, but now, I don't understand the appeal. Don't get me wrong, I love my gmail account. The conversation and search features alone are quite attractive to me. I've heard all of the reasons I shouldn't love gmail, but frankly, I'm not hiding anything and don't disclose anything personal via email anyway.

Back on track to the Gmail Swap site. When I first visited people were giving away things like a good bottle of scotch, chocolate fudge, and an invitation to dine in one of the formal dining halls at Oxford University.

Of course, you also had your run of the mill freaky swaps like a photo of a wife and girlfriend kissing, a man dressing up on women's clothing, and a burnette mullet wig.

These days, people are offering orkut accounts out the wazoo, extreme thanks and friendship for life, and a friendly smile. People don't really want these things and most of them get ingored, but it doesn't seem to matter, the swaps continue to be posted and people continue to beg. There are the occasional swapworthy posts that the invitation holders jump all over, racing to be the first to offer an invite for the loot. I mean, can you imagine the greed level here?

I, obviously, swapped my gmail invitations on gmail swap. As stupid as I think it is, if someone wants to give me something for something I got for free, I'm all for it. I've received some really great things, too. 2 gigs of webhosting (on two different servers), some livejournal icons, an amazing print signed by the photographer and mailed to me, 2 mix CDs that are awesome, a funky knitted hat, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire ebook and James Patterson's The Lake House ebook. To try to justify the fact that I, too, am a tad greedy, I've also given away several accounts just because people seemed genuinely nice and really wanted one.

So, if you want a gmail account, send me an email, I've got some to spare.

Did you hear that? I think it's the sound of some Cheddar-X!

2004-06-18T05:18:00.000-05:00

Could my Cheddar-X titles get any more stupid? I'll work on it.

On with the show!

1. Describe how you saw yourself in high school.
Very friendly and resentful of my friends at the same time. I always felt less priveledged because I actually had to do chores and help with my younger siblings. It has made me a much better person in the end, though. I also missed out on a lot because I was in a very "serious" (ha!) relationship with a college guy.

2. If you could select the sex of your baby, would you? Which would you choose and why?
I would choose a girl. I love little girls in bare feet and pink dresses. I'm just a girly person in general and I think it would be awesome to have a girl someday. And if I don't? That's okay too, I love kids in general.

3. What would you name you child if it were a girl? A boy?
If it were a girl, probably Kendyll and Nikolas for a boy.

4. What are the best and worst pick up lines you've heard/used?
Best: Wow, your eyes really are green. (Because I happen to think I have great eyes and no one ever notices, he had me at hello) That's not really a "pick-up" line, persay, but hey, it worked.
Worst: Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

5. What's the worst break up line you've heard or used?
I've said "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" and was totally lying.

6. Heard any good jokes lately?
Hmm... nope.

7. Is the glass half full or half empty or did the dog knock it over?
The glass is usually half full... and I miss that damned dog.

8. When was the last time you were tricked?
I get tricked a lot, because i'm guillible. But, most recently, was of course the Plain Layne saga.

I must encourage you, if you haven't tried the Cheddar, get some!

It All Falls Down

2004-06-18T01:25:00.000-05:00

I complain about my closest friends alot. I don't say bad things about their character or make fun of their hair or anything like that, but sometimes they irritate me. I work night shift and I get a lot of phone calls at two in the afternoon... my irritated voice answers and they act like I'm lazy because I'm asleep. Soon, I plan to start calling them at two in the morning, just to make my point. My point? Oh, right. So, I do complain often, but when it all falls down, my friend network is suberb.

It did all fall down.

Raven and I have known for quite some time that Krista's husband, Matt was "fooling around" with another girl. I say girl because she is just that, only 19. Hmph. We found out two months ago when Krista was 8 months pregnant and mutually decided that we should keep it between us. Krista and Matt got married a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant and their entire marriage has been a huge heap of a mess. He wasn't very supportive during her pregnancy and hasn't been very loving after the fact. He treats her like a buddy or kid sister at best, but mostly just ignores her. She deals with it, for Halie. I always knew that at some point she'd be done with him. She's a beautiful, kind hearted person and while she can put up with a lot, I knew he'd push her to the limit.

Last night, he did.

She showed up at the hospital where I work, the rims of her eyes red and puffy. I asked what was wrong and she offered only a shake of her head and a bite of her lip. I hugged her hard because I already knew. Limit reached. We sat outside and talked about how terrible he treats her and how he refuses to make any attempts at compromise, we discussed how long she'd been miserable and how hard she has tried. For the past few months I've only offered that I thought they should just keep trying, keep working on it. No one wants to see their friends go through a divorce. But, last night, I was done and I told her so. My heart can't take much more, I hate seeing her hurting so bad, all the time. Most of my friends call me when they have a fight or a disagreement with their spouse, Krista calls when they have a good day and they are few and far between.

Enter Raven, repeat hug sequence.

Raven looked at me and I nodded and we told Krista about "the girl". She didn't even cry. She felt naive and stupid, she'd never even questioned his fidelity even when he refused to make love to her or even kiss or hug her. She never saw the warning signs. Of course, why would you want to?

I was so scared that she would feel that we betrayed her, but she understood that we only kept it from her because we wanted to do what was best for Halie. Telling a woman who is eight months pregnant that her spouse is trying to get some 19 year old ass just isn't a good idea.

We continued to talk and squeeze hands until I had to go back to work. I hugged her and told her how much I loved her and she didn't even need to say anything. She has never had good friends like this. Her family is rather cold and uncompassionate and sometimes I think we overwhelm her with the level of concern and care we place within her. The thankfullness was all over her face as she smiled and laughed through her tears, "what the hell would I do without you guys?" I wonder the same thing about me.

So, in the end, she stayed with Raven last night, with her parents tonight and with me tomorrow. I love her so much and I'd give anything to save her from the pain and confusion that is only in its earliest stages right now. I want to protect her. But, I can't. All I can do is be there.

It sucks to be completely helpless like this.

P.S. Tons of google hits from "Plain Layne" and my blog is in the 100s on the results. People are OBSESSED!

Wowza

2004-06-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

I had 47 "unique" visitors today. That is unreal. While I know it's all over the Layne saga, it's still pretty cool. Most of my clicks came from either Orkut, Strip Mining For Whimsy or Dave Grenier.

I was also clicked from someone searching "chick fight" + blog at google. Good times.

In regular news, my summer course is turning out to be quite interesting. So far we have played with a few types of pathogenic bacteria, we've surveyed our own hands, toothbrushes, hand towels, throats and noses to see what types of nasties are growing on said objects. It's not pretty folks, not pretty at all. Although I'm enjoying it, my exhaustion levels have reached new heights. I'm working until 6:30am, dashing home and catching a one hour nap before class, up at 8:30, guzzling a pot of coffee, showering, heading to class by 9:40 and back home at 12:30, sleeping again by 2:00pm and up at 6:00pm for work. Oh, and if you are smart you will never drink from a public water fountain again.

Best of all, I think I've made a new friend. She's a pretty 19 year old girl named Elisha and she is also in the RN program. Poor lass works at Long John Silvers so I'm trying to help her with gainful employment at my hospital.

We have purchased a house and will be moving in about 5 days. It's huge, four bedrooms plus a "sewing room" and a good sized sun room on the second floor. The sewing room is a little jewel of the room with maple cabinets and drawers built into all four walls. I've come to terms with leaving my childhood home and I'm very excited about moving. The convenience level alone helped me get over it. There's a bathroom right around the corner from my bedroom which means no more waking up, walking downstairs, doing business, walking back upstairs and being wide awake and unable to resume my slumber. There is also a two car garage with an apartment above. The dream is for some cute exchange student to rent it, but I'm sure I'll get a nerdy girl instead. Being able to park in a garage when snow season arrives is another dream in itself. Perhaps, though, the best news is that I am only four houses away from Krista and bebe (Halie). Frequent baby snuggling is sure to ensue.

Check my blogroll for the addition of Johann, a blogger with a quest. A gmail account. I happened upon him while researching gmail, gave him an account and liked what I read so I decided to keep him.

My Own Thoughts On Layne

2004-06-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

A little history, first.

I once met a boy online from Alabama. We were the best of friends and we fell in love, online. Be skeptic if you will, we did. We saw each other in real life a couple of times and even though we've been nothing more than friends for a couple of years now, I think we'll meet again, sometime. Anyway, while we were together, he found this site called "Damn The Pacific" which was a couple's blog. She was in North Carolina, he was in Australia. They were awesome and they gave us hope that maybe we'd survive the distance. We didn't. Anyway, I went back to check their progress and they too, had split. But, she kept another personal blog and I kept reading her. I'm a lurker. I lurked at Layne's, Johnny's, Helen's and Ryan's for ages before I ever commented. Even those first comments were simply because I had linked to them and wanted to let them know and those are my four favorite bloggers ever. I'm off subject. So, here I am lurking at this girl's site. She gets a new boyfriend from San Francisco and I start reading him too. He works for google and blogger and he's a democrat, so I stayed in tune. One day, he posted about the phenomena that was Plain Layne. I clicked, I was hooked.

That was immediately after Layne returned from Barcelona, so I've been reading for awhile. Stupid as it sounds, it never even crossed my mind that Layne might be fake. Sure, a few times I thought, what a crazy life she leads. I mean, she's not the most exciting person, herself. It's her friends, lovers(characters), and writing style that really makes the blog. And believe me, this "girl" can write like a dream.

So, now, her blog is replaced by a message, written in polish, that says the blog will return, mid June.

In her absence, a lot of people started asking a lot of questions. It seems that Layne isn't real at all. The proof is undeniable, but I still want to deny it.

It hurts my feelings.

I know how idiotic that sounds, but after awhile, I started to care about this girl. I wanted her to be okay and I wanted her to find some happiness somewhere. How fucked up am I? How stupid is it to become almost attached to someone through their writing? Fiction writing at that? What can I say, I'm a sucker for a good story, I guess?

So, there you have it. I was duped. I was duped and I'm not mad, but a little sad that there's no real Layne.

I'll go on with the blogging and reading with the hope that most people don't get their kicks by making up entire lives. I still love reading Helen, her emotion and eye for detail, Ryan for his weird and witty humor and Johnny Huh? for his pictures of Nande. (Of course, i'm kidding, I love the Cheddar and the pregnancy posts and everything else too.)

Childbirth 101

2004-05-26T22:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this isn't a tutorial, actually, but it's a story of a miracle I witnessed two weeks ago that will remain etched in my mind for my whole life.

Krista is one of those people you meet and you just know you're going to be friends with for a long time. Her husband is within my circle of friends and when she finally reached 21 and was discharged from the military she joined in our group and became my forever friend. I've only known her for nine months, and she's always been pregnant in my mind.

I called her one day to accompany me on a little shopping spree, knowing she wasn't working and probably didn't have a lot to do. We talked, non-stop, that first day, and we haven't stopped since. We became inseparable, I even get on well with her husband and they both have commented that I am like the extra person needed in their family. It feels good. Krista intially asked me to be in the room when she delivered because most of her family declined, acting uninterested. I jumped at the chance. I know I'll get to see a live birth while I'm in school, during clinicals, but there's something very intriguing about seeing someone you love give birth to a baby that you already adore.

We spent her pregancy preparing the room, shopping, shopping and more shopping. She says I'm all-knowing when it comes to babies and we tried to make sure we didn't forget anything. She asked me questions, constantly about her body and how she felt and she told me everything she felt. We would sit and watch a movie with my hand on her belly, waiting for a kick or a high-five from rambunctious little girl.

I organized the best baby shower ever for her, with more than fifty guests, a huge buffet of food and two tables piled high with gifts, wrapped in sweet baby girl colors of lavendar, pink and yellow. She became overwhelmed that night, as I helped her put away her new things and huge tears formed in her eyes as she told me that she was so scared. She felt bad for being so scared when I was so excited and happy about the upcoming event. I hope I eased her mind when I told her that if it were my belly that was swelling and my womb holding a small creature, I would be frightened too.

The next few weeks flew by in a blur. She grew larger and larger, her belly looking like it may pop if you poked it. Her feet and hands began to look like that of a dwarf and she became really tired, and really busy. I've never seen a woman clean and rearrange rooms in such a way before. She was a flurry of emotions, but the greatest one being anxiety. She could not wait to "get her out".

Thursday, May 13th, 7 days before the due date, I got a phone call at 11am, after only 3 hours of sleep. It was Matt, her husband, telling me that I better get to the hospital because the baby was coming that afternoon. When I asked him if she needed me to bring anything he relayed the message and I heard,

"just her"

and I melted. I rushed out the door, forgetting everything important, like my camera and money, but I made it shortly after the epidural. Around 2pm, the nurse came in to check her and we all stood outside. Matt came out and looked at me, "you ready?", he asked me. My heart pounded, it was really time! Her family retreated to the waiting room and I went in, armed with their video camera and all the support and love I could find within me. I held her hand, and I held her knees while she pushed and pushed. Her eyes turned bright red and she looked so exhausted, but she never uttered a word of complaint. The nurse left the room and told us to assist her whenever she wanted to push, and we obliged. Upon her return, the nurse became a bit nervous and called the doctor to come down, quickly. Evidently, she'd pushed more than the nurse had imagined and baby was making her way out.

A few minutes of excitment brought tons more medical people in, extra nurses, respiratory therapy, technicians and the doctor. He rushed them and told us it wouldn't be long. He wasn't joking. In mere seconds after he gloved up he was holding her, Halie Faithe, a beautiful, yet slimy, little being, with tons of black hair. Krista barely got to touch her as they carted her away to help her adjust to her new world. They weighed her, 8 pounds and 4 ounces, measured her, 21 and 1/2 inchles long and they let me watch and video all of it, it was amazing. When she belted out her first cry my own tears started flowing, it was one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life.

I continued to video while they took the crying baby to her mother. As soon as she was in mommy's arms the crying stopped. Krista was overcome with emotion as she nuzzled the sweet little girl close to her body. I've never seen anything more beautiful.

I now have the deepest respect for my friend. She gave birth like an old pro, let me witness it and included me every step of the way. She even chose an outfit I bought for her to bring her home from the hospital. I couldn't ask for a better friend or a greater experience, except for my own, one day.

I'm also Halie's godmommy.

It's nice and fresh... Cheddar-X!

2004-05-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

Cheddar is political this week, which brings a nice change. It's also on time!

1. If you had a choice of dinner with George W. Bush or John Kerry, which would it be, why and what would you serve?
I would invite John Kerry and I would probably serve something mexican, with some nice homemade peach sangria.

2. What are your three major criteria for choosing who to vote for?
Anybody but Bush, ability to form a sentence, ability to admit fault.

3. Do you plan to vote "for" someone or "against" someone?
I honestly plan to vote against Bush. If Kucinich or Dean were actual choices, I'd vote that way, "for" one of them. I don't oppose Kerry, and I feel confident about placing my vote that way, but there's something about him that leaves me feeling a tad strange.

4. What bothers you most about this presidential election?
The fact that people plan on voting for Bush solely because he is a "republican" and they've never voted out of their party before. Puhlease.

5. How much does a candidate's religious affiliation have to do with your decision to vote for him?
Nada

6. When do you think the first female president will be elected?
Sometime within the next 12 years.

7. Who, among prominent politicians, would you most like to see in the White House?
Ahnold. Seriously, probably Guiliani.

8. Who, among all people, would you like to see in the White House? Dan Abrams

Sound good? Maybe you should go get your own Cheddar-x.

Understanding me.

2004-05-25T04:46:00.000-05:00

I've realized why I'm so smitten with Gregory. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, the best. Perfect gentlemen, nice skull (sorry Layne), buff body, intelligent, funny, the whole bit. I've struggled with myself to determine exactly what it is about him that intrigues me so. What is it that leaves me willing the phone to ring and wishing for new emails in my inbox? Why do I long so badly to see him once more before he moves acros the country? Countless hours I've spent racking my busy brain for answers.

The research has paid off.

It is nostalgia. Yes, that's correct. He brings back to me a time in my life where life was as easy as it ever has been, when nothing mattered except not getting caught skipping class or running out of gas in your first junker of a car. The smell of him reminds me of riding shotgun in the car during midnight journeys across the state to visit friends in the middle of the night, just because there was nothing else to do. His laugh brings back all of the stupid inside jokes that no one knew except us, the stares that made us feel as insane as we thought we were. His strong, soft hands still feel the same as they did when he used to walk me to class, holding my hand, my books under his other arm, his face crimson, unknowing whether could sneak a kiss. And his voice, unmistakable over the phone in the wee hours of the morning, wondering if he could take me to school.

I want that life back. I want the simplicity back, I want that heart back. That heart was warm, open and unscarred. I loved without fear, I gave without wanting, I needed without feeling dependent. That's what I want again. I want to open myself up to someone and give all I have, expecting nothing besides all of them in return. It is that life, that heart, that me, that I long for. Being with him doesn't fix any of these things, you know? I have to grow back to that place, I have to fix me, by myself.

The other reason I long for him is because in my mind, I think I need to fix what I wronged. All of those years ago, it was me who turned him away. I chose comfort over compassion, heartache over love. I still wonder how he ever remained my friend after that. So, now, I have no choice, but to remain his, regardless of whether he never comes home or finds the love of his life and her name isn't Heather. I want happiness for him as much as I want it for myself. I'll bite my tongue and I'll feign happiness for him until it feels real because my heart says I should.

So, now, the pushing stops. I'll see him in August and maybe this weekend, if he decides to; and I'll see him as an old friend, an old flame, even, but no longer will I let him see the hurt in my eyes. I won't tell him how much I don't want him to go. I'll say that I'm happy and excited for him and I hope he loves it there.

Even though I will hate it if he does.

Very Late Cheddar-X

2004-05-24T22:35:00.000-05:00

Life has suddenly become crazy for me. I don't want to do the things I used to do, I'm busy doing nothing, all.the.time. Oh well, better late than never, right?

1. What's your favorite board game?
Chess or Trivial Pursuit

2. If you had to sing a song on national TV (ala the bleh-worthy American Idol), what song would you sing?
Something by Blondie, probably "One Way Or Another"

3. If you had to sing a duet, what song would you sing and with who?
Meatloaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" with Jake (aka Exblogger).

4. If your life was made into a movie, what would the title be?
"Stupid Girl"

5. If your life was made into a porn movie, what would the title be?
"Slutty Girl" ?

6. Who would you want to play you in the movie of your life?
Meg Ryan. We have the same hair and she's pretty hot - I'd like to be that hot.

7. In the porn?
Do I even need to answer? Jenna!

8. What are some of the top bumper stickers you've seen or thought of?

Clinton: Blow Jobs
Bush: No Jobs

Want some Cheddar of your very own? Go get some!

Maybe Baby Day Cheddar!

2004-05-12T14:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted much or anything about my best friend, Krista who is currently 8 days from being due to deliver a baby girl, Halie Faithe. She has the most unsupportive and immature husband on the face of the earth, so I've tried to be her rock through it all. Krista has asked me to be in the room during delivery and to video the birth - exciting! So, I'm spending my day being prepared since she is having some contractions.

However, there's always time for some Cheddar-X!

1. How many computer passwords do you currently have?
This is really bad, but I think I only have two. I'm horrid at remembering them so I always use the same ones.

2. When was the last time you nearly went insane because you'd forgotten which one you were using?
About 2 years ago before I switched them all.

3. What's your favorite board game?
Good question, I'm a board game nut. My current favorite team board game is Cranium. If you haven't played it, it's a mix of trivial pursuit, pictionary and charades with some other stuff thrown into the mix. Good stuff. I still love to play scrabble with my gramma and monopoly will always be a favorite of mine.

4. How long have you been at your current job?
Nearly 2 years. I plan to be here for two more, but things are getting interesting around there. I'll be done with school in two years and even though I'll be an RN, I do not wish to stay at this hospital - not at all.

5. How much "push" would it take to get you to walk?
As much as I complain and turmoil, probably a whole lot. There is a lot wrong with my life, but I like it pretty well anyway.

6. What's the best t-shirt slogan or comment that you've come across?
# "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" on a bald man and "Let's Get One Thing Straight - I'm Not!" on a gay man.

Well, that wraps up the cheddar and I'm off to wait around for that very exciting phone call. Pictures of the event are hereby promised.

But I May Not Have All Of You

2004-05-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

Please allow me to be a drama queen today and do not judge me for over-reacting to situations that may not seem important to you, thanks!

Why does every thing I want never work? I meet and have relationships with males who I don't and won't ever really care about and the ones I think I might be able to love someday always seem to fall between the cracks.

Things were great, I thought, until about 1 hour ago when I received an email from the goofball who will from this point be referred to as Greg, since that's his name and all. The applicable portion is shown, for your viewing pleasure.

I will have to say that it was really good seeing you this weekend. You did suprise me when you kissed me that night- I didn't want to leave either, it was awesome to FINALLY kiss you after so long. I'm so in the frame of mind to head out of here to LA that the thought of even meeting someone before I leave was completely absent in my mind- then an opportunity with you has come along. Would you really want to consider trying things although I'm leaving? I will see you in August for Melissa's wedding, but otherwise I won't be home for atleast 3 months... if not more. I think since things happen for a reason, maybe it's best to wait until I'm closer to home. I'll be in LA and you'll be in Mt. Carmel. That's a pretty fair distance. I don't think we should ever throw the thought of us away, I just think that while I'm in LA and you're working on school, it would be less stressful and heart wrenching being so far away. If things are meant to be, they'll be. You know? We bumped into eachother again for some reason. Maybe it was for us to both see that there is still something there after so long, and that it's possible we'll still have it when I get back. You think?

I don't know why I ever thought there might be a chance... maybe because he led me in to thinking so. I'm not giving up easily, not this time, but I can't force him and I won't even try. Here's the applicable portion of my reply:

As for us, I'm kind of at a loss about what to say. I'm very attracted to you and I was almost immediately when I saw you, actually, even when I had just talked to you, which really surprised me. I figured seeing you would be nothing more than meeting up with an old friend, but something else happened and I'm still shocked.

My thoughts about the situation (which I actually wanted to discuss in person) were that I'd do whatever you wanted. If you wanted to try the distance thing, I'm willing and I know I can do it. If not, what can I say? I've done it before and it wasn't that bad, hard, indeed, but not impossible. I guess I'm just worried that letting you go now will be the same as letting you go way back when, which I still consider to be a huge mistake. Maybe back then we would have been too immature to even make anything of it, but I regret not trying. I don't want to let go of the possiblity of us, either, but it's going to be pretty hard for me to move on with anything else if I consider the possiblity that there might be a real "us" at some point. Like I said, I've passed you up before and I don't want to again. So, I leave it in your hands and I will gladly accept whatever you want. I don't want you to do anything that doesn't make YOU happy, it seems you've done that enough in your life. We both have, I guess.

What is going on? Why does the timing suck so badly? I wish I would have never even emailed him because then I wouldn't feel like I was losing something that I never had, like I do now. I've shared the email with some of close friends and they seem to get the impression that he is asking me to wait for him, without actually asking. My own frame of mind since I've started working towards my nursing degree is that serious relationships are out until I'm finished, so chances are, I probably wouldn't meet someone else anyway - but I thought that before Greg came along too. I'm not really sure how to feel or what to say. I'm not upset, just a tad disappointed, which is expected, I think.

On the upside, at least I haven't told Erin my feelings about him yet or done anything drastic in that situation. Sounds cold, I know, but that is just how our relationship is. It's convenient, it's mutual friendship and company and it's easy. It was never meant to be loving, serious or forever. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even in it. I'm ~~loving~~ my life right now.

Fuck.

You Still Have All Of Me

2004-05-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

I had one of those weekends that you hope and dream for when you are 24 and practically single. I'm giving you the long version because, well, I can.

When I was in high school I had one of the best boy friends in the world. Not a boyfriend, but a boy friend. He lived down the street from me and he was so cool in that geeky way that made you want to tackle him because he was so goofy. We hung out all the time, we talked all the time, we were buds, good buds. One day, though, something happened. Friendship turned into a crush. I can't remember who started it or even what happened, but it was there, just suddenly. I was torn between my boyfriend of two years who liked to mentally abuse me and had me convinced I would never be good enough for anyone else and this goofball of a friend who seemed to know my soul better than his own. He courted me just like a girl wants to be courted. He carried my books to class, he wrote me love letters, he took me to school in his baby blue t-bird and he just loved me for me. I was a bit stupider than I am now, though, and I chose not to let go of something that I had invested so much of my life (ha!) in. I chose the jerk. He knew my decision but kept on with all of the beau actions and I let him. Then one day psycho boy was making a sweep of my room and found those romantic letters tucked between my mattresses (see, he was that crazy, he checked between the mattresses!). Everything ended after he threatened goofball's life. We stopped talking, we stopped everything. There were longing glances in the hallway and phone calls with silence at the end, but he never pressed on.

Then, psycho moved away for college, but he was still my boyfriend, now of 3 years. Goofball and I got close again, but we never crossed the boundary that had destroyed us before. Midnight rides to St. Louis (which is 3 hours away), sneaking into the window of our friends dorm room, late night study sessions, you name it, we were back and we loved it.

Next, he moved away to continue college shortly after I was involved with psycho #2. That was 1998. All of these years I've wondered about him and never pursued finding him. Until last week when I ran across his email address while switching my contacts to gmail. So, what the hell, right? I sent him an email thinking the account would be closed long ago. Because as we all know, especially Helen, hotmail is spam central. But, it wasn't closed! His reply was quick one with a very excited tone.

In short: "Come to St. Louis, I'm moving to LA in a month or so, we should hang out." We corresponded a few times and I invited him to the wedding I'm in at Newport Beach in July and he accepted since he's only 40 minutes away. Exciting stuff. Then, he wrote on Thursday saying that he'd be home on Friday since it was Mother's Day. We must meet up, he told me - and we did.

I laid eyes on him and everything came rushing back. I think you could actually see the sparks when I walked in and our eyes met. We had a hell of a night with two other friends from high school. He took me home and walked me to the door and when we he started to walk away, I kissed him. He kissed me long and hard for ages. "I've wanted to do this for eight years", he'd told me. I melted. I'm still melting. Saturday night was a replay and I saw him momentarily on Sunday. I'll be going to visit in about 20 days for the weekend and I simply cannot wait. I'll burst by then.

The possibilities and the anticipation are overwhelming. I think I might actually be able to love this one, if I don't talk myself out of it. I'm setting my self up for a big heartache, but I can handle it, the risk is worth it. The only downside right now is the fact that he is indeed moving to LA for at least three months, he's leaving at the first of July. I can do the distance thing, if he's willing.

If one more person says, "If it's meant to be, it will", I'll puke.

Cheddar, The Quicker Picker Upper

2004-05-07T16:03:00.000-05:00

1. Desert island scenario: 3 belongings -
blanket; large knife; fishing spear - I'm boring and I watch way to much survivor!

2. If you didn't have the name you have, what name would you like to have?
Great question! I would have liked to be named Kendall, I think. Or Nichole, which is my middle name.

3. What's the craziest thing you ever did while drunk and/or high?
Took off my clothes and swam in the river in the middle of the night in a very dangerous spot.

4. What movie is your favorite "guilty pleasure"? (You could watch it over and over but are embarrassed to admit it).
Sweet Home Alabama - boy, cheddar really brings out the dork in a person.

5. When was the last time you ate more than you should have because the food was so good? What were you eating?
A long time ago. I used to have a problem with emotional eating so now I'm overly cautious about eating very much because I don't want to fall back into that because it's so unhealthy. Anyway, it was probably ice cream.

6. How many rechargable items do you have?
Cell phone, dust buster, can opener, cordless phones, electric razor. 5 that I can think of quickly.

7. Will the rising costs of gas affect your driving habits? Or, is the cost of gas rising out of control where you live?
Yes, it is, probably not quite as high as some places yet, but we were up to $1.88 this week. The cost of gas is affecting how much I just drive around with no destination. I really enjoy doing this, but I'm trying to be a bit frugal because, well, I'm poor!

This week's Cheddar-X brought some interesting questions!

I owe you an update about the status of my parents divorce (see below). In short, we are doing a lot of home shopping and consoling each other... i hate all of it. I'll try to get to that this weekend sometime.

Hope you are all well and have great weekends!

Wishing I had nothing to say...

2004-05-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

I'm typically at a loss for blog content when I actually have time to blog. I know I should keep a notebook or something handy to jot down ideas when they pop into my head, but I have yet to do that. So, you see, my blog is filled with a lot of Cheddar (but we all love the Cheddar) and random things that I think are important. Sometimes I wish I had more to say. Today, I do, but I wish I didn't.

My parents are getting divorced. Mom already talked to a lawyer, it is all in the works. My chest weighs two-thousand pounds and it is hard to breathe. The tears well up and I fight them away because I'm a "big girl" now, I should be able to handle this. He's not even my biological father, you know? He's still my dad, though. And he's an asshole. The stuff is private and I'm not going to go into right now, maybe some other time, but it all boils down to the fact that he chooses something else over his marriage and his family. He chooses something that is bad for all of us and he will not stop doing it. Even now, when she told him, as much as he loves her, he's letting her go because he knows he won't ever stop and it makes her life miserable. He's had every kind of help imaginable but nothing works because he doesn't want to stop.

I don't know what my brothers are going to think or do. Mom thinks they will be fine, I think they are going to be crushed. We live next door to their grandparents who are aging quickly. My brothers take good care of them and they spend a lot of time with them. We aren't leaving town, but it won't be the same for any of them- ever.

I know we will all be okay, but it still hurts. Material as it may sound, my biggest hurt right now is our house, my home. I always thought that no matter how old I was or how far away I moved I would always come home to our house. I've lived there for 16 years, I grew up there, the place is filled with my memories and I don't want to leave them. I know every creak in the floor and every hole in the wall or stain on the floor of my bedroom means something to me. How many times have I ran up those stairs to my own retreat, to get away from it all? Will I ever know a house so well that I know to stay on the left side of the stairs until you are 6 up and then switch to the right to make the minimal amount of noise... don't forget to skip the stair that's second to the top because it creaks very loudly. I used to climb out of my bedroom window and sit on the roof when I was 13 because I hated everyone and I thought maybe if I jumped I wouldn't have to hate them anymore. The backyard has been a home to so many of my critters, my swing-set and a lot of wasps that never failed to torment me in the summer.

We are leaving soon. I can barely pull into the driveway without becoming nauseated. I can't think about it or I cry. I'm old now, I'm supposed to understand. But, I don't.

I'll pretend to be the rock, I'll pretend to be strong for everyone. I'll give hugs and I'll listen and comfort. I'll take care of everyone and it will all be fine, as long as they don't catch me crying in the darkness of a house that will never be my home again.

Cheddar-X, Because I'm Worth It

2004-04-30T06:03:00.000-05:00

1. Name 3 things you absolutely love.
Bare feet on cold grass, my long lost best friend, playing the piano

2. If you had to give 2 of them up which would they be (and why)?
Ugh. If only I would have read this question before answering the previous. Well, i'm not keen on giving up my gf, so I guess the piano and the feet are out, sadly.

3. What is your all time favorite memory EVER?
Very tough question. I'll pull one up from my childhood that always makes me laugh and get teary. My parents were divorced when I was very young and it was always just my mom and I. She always had at least 2 jobs, sometimes 3, to take good care of us, but we still never had very much of anything. I never cared, I was a kid. Anyway, Christmas was always special for us because my mom played a killer santa claus and of course, I never knew any different. I woke up on a Christmas morning in our new house, sleepy eyes and dragging feet made their way into the living room. The Christmas tree was so bright that I squinted. The squints went to full on bulging eyes as I looked around the room. A 7 year old's devine dreams, fulfilled. A barbie house filled with barbies, clothes and furniture and a huge castle made for My Little Pony were set up in the middle of the floor. All the pink and purpleness sent me giggling like crazy, I was so excited. Mom cleared her throat from the couch where she sat holding about 7 Care Bears and various other stuffed animals. I squeeled and ran to her and threw myself on top of her, melting her with my hugs and kisses. She played with me all day long, just the two of us, until it wasn't Christmas anymore and she tucked me into bed, surrounded by my new toys. Thinking back, my favorite present was my day with her, not the toys, but they sure were pretty great, too.

4. What is the one thing that happened in high school that would make you avoid your class reunion?
Nothing really, but I guess if I had to pick something it would be the chick fight I had over a boy. Typical hair pulling and slapping. Ugh.

5. What is your dream job, no matter how untrained you might be or unrealistic and bizarre it might be?
I'd love to own a vineyard.

6. What's one thing you think you're really good at?
Making people feel good.

I'm still only posting Cheddar, but finals are soon and I promise there will be some content after that. I have a good story brewing, I hope I don't lose it.

Go on over and get yourself some Cheddar-X.

Just for the taste of it, Cheddar-X

2004-04-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

1. What is the worst or best insult someone's said to you?
"I'm just not attracted to you anymore" Said by evil ex on the parting day.

2. What's the lamest platitude you know?
Just stop looking for love and it will find you. Please.

3. Do you pick up hitchhikers? When was the last time you did?
I don't because I'm scared and smart. I did once give someone money for a cab and a hotel room. And then I followed him and made sure that he didn't spend it on liquor. He didn't.

4. What's your favorite fruit and how do you like to eat it?
I love papaya, sliced in big chunks. I can't dare eat papaya in the states after having in in Central America, though, and it's two years until I can go back.

5. What's your favorite drive or drives?
I enjoy driving to St. Louis and tooling about in the city, forest park, etc.

6. Which begs the question, what's your favorite hike or walk?
There is a state park in northern Indiana that has the best hiking trails. It's been awhile, but that one is definately my favorite.

Don't be shy, go get your own!

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Cheddar!

2004-04-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

Hungry? Go get yourself some Cheddar-X.

1. What does party mean to you? A variety of things. There are the "good ole days" of partying, before my favorite little pub/club burned to the ground. One of those places where my group had it's own table, the bartender knew our drinks by heart and the live music was pretty tasty. Anymore, "partying" involves a six-pack, a deck of cards, four people and a game of euchre. Getting older sucks.

2. What was the first thing you thought or said when you saw your significant other for the first time? I've had a lust crush on my S.O. for about 5 years (only been dating for 7 months after I got brave enough to actually go talk to him) - the first thing I thought when I saw him was "damn". I never thought we'd actually be together.

3. Do you talk to yourself? Why? Yes, it helps me remember things. I talk to myself a lot when I'm studying or learning or writing a song.

4. What's been your biggest personal change in the last ten years? Self-acceptance and self-reliance. Both are huge for me.

5. What are you most looking forward to? Having a family.

I keep sneezing. Damn pollen.

For When She's Gone

2004-04-13T00:42:00.000-05:00

I had the unusual opportunity for a three generation baking day over the weekend. My mom had a bake sale on Saturday and requested my assistance in the kitchen on Friday. We made gazillions of pies, cakes, brownies, cookies and various other baked yumminess. She mentioned that my Nana was coming over to help with the apple pies and to bake some of her legendary bread rolls as well. A tinge of nervousness materialized within me because my Nana is showing the early signs of Alzheimer's, a disease that both terrifies and annoys my mother. I understand why Nana can't remember what she's supposed to bring or why she is coming over and it does not bother me at all. Mom, on the other hand swaps her fear of the disease with spoken annoyance. My patience with Nana even seems to annoy my mom at first, but as the day wears on she lets down her guard and begins to enjoy the sweet scents of the baked goods and the funny sarcasm, a trait that must skip generations, from Nana and I.

I had other engagements in the evening, but the gloomy look on Nana's face when I was about to leave encouraged me to delay my plans a little longer. As I was standing next to her at the counter, helping her peel apples, she glanced over at me with a twinkle in her eyes and words that made my heart swell. She wanted to show me how to bake her bread. I felt so flattered. I am not the first born grandchild, I am not married, I definately do not have exceptional cooking skills, why me?

She poured the bread flour into a bowl, added the secret ingredients that will stay etched in my mind alongside the sweet memories and scents of the day. She showed me how a spoon would never do the trick and how it would be my hands that would make the magic of the bread happen. I watched and listened and smiled as she remembered baking her first batch of bread when she was only 8, caring for her siblings while her mother was bedridden. I reminded myself how lucky I was. She may not be able to remember what groceries she needs or what my middle name is, but she remembers the important things, the very best stories for bread baking days. When there was finally a big lump of dough I watched her tear off pieces that are just the right size and mold them into rolls, her hands working in ways that mine never could. The pan was full and ready to rise, she set it aside. Pouring another bag of flour into a bowl, she pushed it towards me. She told me it was my turn, she knew I could do it, and she would be right there. She told me I had to learn, for when she's gone. I swallowed hard and tried to ignore the lump in my throat as I added the right amounts of everything, mushing it all together, and working in the flour. I couldn't say much as my hands molded the pieces into rolls, the way I was sure they couldn't. I finished the pan and presented it for her approval. The rolls came out of the oven looking perfect and tasting just like hers. She beamed as she told me to be sure to practice it and to pass it on to my own family and to remember how much everyone loves that bread at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Afterall, when she's gone there will be no one to make it except me, I was the only one she has ever taught. She just kept saying it - for when i'm gone. With glistening eyes, I smiled and promised her I would always do it.

And I will.

But I am postive I will never make those rolls without gentle tears streaming down my face remembering the day she taught me which memories really matter and showed me her love through a batch of bread.

Everything's Better With Cheddar

2004-04-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

Cheddar-X time, again.

1. When was the last time you caught yourself before doing something really stupid? What was it?
Last night I was going to volunteer to work a twelve hour shift today even though I need to be organizing the last bits of detail and decorating for Krista's baby shower tomorrow. Luckily, I did stop myself.

2. What was your last nightmare about?
I recently had this horrid nightmare about corpses. I'm taking anatomy II right now and my 12 year old brother is very curious about the cadavers and we had discussed them in detail that day. In the dream people kept showing me corpses and I kept throwing up, only it wasn't normal vomit, it was very thick, almost like cake icing. Strangely, corpses, blood, cadavers, and anything else gross doesn't disgust me and i've never gotten sick over anything like that.

3. How do you entertain yourself in traffic?
I sing and don't care who is watching. I also have Who Wants To Be A Millionaire on my nokia and I play that a lot.

4. Who inspires you?
A lot of people do, I guess. I couldn't choose just one person. My mother really used to, but now the rose colored glasses are off and I disagree with so many things that she does and rules and regulations that she lives her life by.

5. What trait in the opposite sex makes you wonder most?
The brain, definately the brain.

6. Which of the seven deadly sins is the worst? Why?
Greed. Because so many people have so little but will still give it away if someone else needs it. Seems the majority of those who are rich and greedy hoard it all when there are so many in need. I just think that the world might be a little better without so much greed, but i'm probably wrong.

7. Do you blog on the weekends much or at all?
I read a lot of blogs on the weekend, but rarely blog myself. Overall, i've definately increased my blogging in the last week or two.

Zee cheddar is good.

Good Spam

2004-04-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

I usually don't get any funny spam.

Today, I received this from Renae Bette.

Subject: stop pay-ing coupld hundred for software, we start from 15 bucks robot

Text from Email:

aquatint when herbs prove autostrada ,

Your needed soft wares at Rock Bottom pri ce!

* What you bought previously was go to shop & buuy a WINDOWS XP Pro
that comes with a BOX & serial number & the manual cosst 299.00
** What you will get from us is The full WINDOWS XP Pro s.o.f.t.w.a.r.e
& serial number. It works exactly the same, but you don't get the
manual and box and the pri .ce is onlly 32.00 . That is a s-aving of 254.00

(software and price list here)

Download your soft ware from our Superfast (100mbits connection) site &
you will be given your own exclusive registration key to register the
soft ware you bought from us, and now you have your own registered copy
of soft ware (will never expired again)

It's OEM version of soft ware which is an Original/Genuine soft ware,
strictly no piracy soft ware

We only have 12 copies for each software title to sell, will not sell
more than 12 copies:

Start using your needed soft ware now

Woah. I better get my Superfast soft ware soon.

What's Up With That Love Thing?

2004-04-06T00:26:00.000-05:00

I have been dating Erin for almost seven months. Before him I dated Dwayne for six. Dwayne and I were best friends, we had everything in common and I could read him like a book. I was comfortable in every sense of the word and we had the best sex of my life. I loved him like I love my best friends, but I never told him. How do you say "I love you, but not romantic love, like I'm supposed to"? He never told me either. I left the country for a week and came back with a new perspective on life and I didn't want him in mine anymore. I still don't know why. I am pretty sure that it was because I felt like I was wasting our time. I wanted a family and he needed one. In six months we never moved past being best friends. I broke-up with him. I've never broken-up with anyone so easily. We are still good friends but I'm left with a million questions about what happened with us.

Now, there is Erin. As much as I'd wanted to avoid the same situation again, I haven't. I love being around him, I love snuggling close to him and I feel so extremely safe beside him, but I can't utter those words. I guess if I were sure about them, I would. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I love him. I never want him to be sad or hurt or lonely and when he is, even if he's strong about it, I hurt for him. I tried to leave him once and I did. For one day. And something drove me back, something I can't explain. It certainly wasn't lonliness, it wasn't jealousy, I knew he wouldn't be moving on for awhile, I just hurt without him. I could list his faults on ten sheets of paper, but if it weren't for his faults he wouldn't be him. He accepts mine. I want to give him myself, but I just can't. I don't worry a lot about the words we don't say, but sometimes I wonder if he's afraid to say them too. Sometimes they almost slip out of my mouth when I'm kissing him good-bye or hanging up the phone, but I always stop.

I don't know how I ended up like this.

Do I Smell Cheddar?

2004-04-02T08:04:00.000-06:00

This week Cheddar-X brings us double word association. I'm going to go through the list once with my word associations and then associate new words with my associations of the original words. Confused?

Mel Gibson - Patriot - Republican
Pot belly - Pig - Oink
Pork - Chop - Knife
New York Yankees - Rude - CNN
March Madness - Annoying - Slap
Iraq - War - GWB
Google - Dot Com - Start-Up
April Fool's Day - Jokes - Laugh
Sweet - Pea - Soup
Career - Job - Money
Economy - Bush - Deceit
Forest - Fire - Arizona
Jessica Simpson - ChickenoftheSea - Tuna
Enzyte Smiley Guy - Penis - Pump
Opening Day - Baseball - Braves
Motorcycle - Harley - Black
Highway Patrol - State - Legislature
Meth lab - Explosion - Bomb
Medicinal Marijuana - Busted - Jail
Fat America - McDonalds - Fries
Fast food - Fries - Grease
Coffee - Caffiene - Red Bull
Commercial flight - Pilot - Captain
Patriotism - Flag - Burning
Treason - Spy - Sneaky
Sedition - rebel - Southern
Final Solution - problem - fix

Face Lift

2004-04-01T04:31:00.000-06:00

Well, I can only stand so much pink for so long. This is completely temporary, too much blue, but i worked on it as long as I could at work, distracting myself from homework that constantly looms over me. There is actually a multitude of things I don't like about the color scheme. So, if you hate it, no worries, it'll only be up for a week or so in its current style. If you like it, let me know, maybe i'll keep most of it. I can't really decide what, exactly, it is that I hate about design, other than the blue overload and the font. I hate the font.

Oh well.

In new linkage news, I've added a good friend of mine who started a photo blog, Piran. I look forward to viewing his nifty photography on a regular basis. He's listed in my blog roll go take a look if you are so inclined.

On the school front, things are good. I managed to get a summer class that I really wanted to get out of the way, microbiology. Due to the need of microscopes and other laboratory materials there are only 24 spaces available. I actually stood in line at 7am to register for a class. I have reached nerd-dom. It was very important to me to get it out of the way now, though. I'm very determind to make the actual nursing classes as easy for myself as possible. Other people are taking 2 extra classes on top of them per semester. Those will be the people who fail from overload and burnout. I know it's going to be hard, but i'm not about to make it harder on myself. So, I get to spend 2 months of my summer, four days a week, 2 hours a day, learning about microorganisms. Woo!

Wow, if I do Cheddar tomorrow I'll have 2 posts in one week. Crazy.

Where's The Cheddar?

2004-03-25T10:18:00.000-06:00

Oh, it's right here.

1. What would you want written on your epitaph?
Nothing, just my name, birth and death dates. I would like people to wonder about me.

2. What do you collect and why?
I don't have a huge collection of anything, besides shoes. I like to keep any old sheet music or song books that I can get my hands on and I also collect elephant things, I guess.

3. What's the dumbest legal action you know of?
Seat belt laws. For kids, yes. For adults in their right minds? Why? If people want to be stupid and not wear them and increase their chances of dying in a MVC, that should be a personal choice. I, for example wear mine, but it would certainly help eliminate some idiots from the world if it weren't a law.

4. What single decision in your life do you wish you could change?
Dropping out of college the first time because I liked drinking beer every night. It started a very disastrous chain of events in my life.

5. Some people resemble their dogs, do you know anyone that resembles their name?
Yes, my youngest brother. People always call me a Jennifer. I must look like one.

6. What's your favourite / most used unit of time?
I can only make plans in thirty minute increments. So, my most used unit of time would obviously be the minute, but never just one, must be a group of thirty, and only exactly hours and half-hours. I can't think in quarter hours for some reason. Brain defect.

7. What's the best internet time device you've seen so far?
Fecky, no clue.

And that's this week's Cheddar. Go get your own!

Cheddar for $500, please.

2004-03-19T03:36:00.000-06:00

I've decided to play along with Johnny Huh? at Cheddar-X not only because it's pretty nifty, but also because i'm hard pressed to find time and content to post until this semester is finished.

This week it's word association. I will bet you could have guessed that.

When I say:
Olympics, you say? = Athens
Politics = Vote!
John Kerry = Abraham Lincoln
George Bush = Liar
Osama = Yo Mama
Same-sex marriage = So?
Todd Bertuzzi = Huh?
Barry Bonds = Baseball
The Passion of the Christ = Subtitles
Beach = Nude
Britney Spears = Slut
Paris Hilton = Rich
Microsoft = Word
France = Paris
Hans Blix = Weapons
Linux = Linus = Snoopy
MTV = Bleah
Outsource = India
Hummer H2 = Gas Hog
Honor = Roll
Love = Hate
Courteney Love = Hole

I'm really not abandoning my blog, I'm just swamped with work lately and school always. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it, and sometimes I believe it.

Survivor sucked again, too.

When T.V. gets ya down.

2004-03-12T10:55:00.000-06:00

*note: If you watch Survivor All Stars and you haven't seen last night's episode yet, stop reading now.

I hate reality television, really, I do. Sadly, though, I can't seem to stay away from it. I find myself thinking that it's "ok" for me to watch Survivor, since it was the pioneer in all of this (other than MTV of course), but I still get very defensive when people make fun of reality tv as a whole. I watched snippets of My Big Fat Greek Fiance, Average Joe I and II, the Bachlorette, Big Brother, etc. I don't like any of them, but they sucked me in. I also keep up with The Apprentice even though I rarely watch all of it. I don't really have time for television, but I make time for Survivor and ER and I tape them if I miss them. So, really, I hate reality tv, just like everyone else, but I sure manage to watch a lot of it.

There is a point to all of this, kind of.

I was so unbelievably pissed off at last night's Survivor. My pick for the winner has been dismissed by my pick for second place. I think both of these boys can play the game very well, but how sad I will be to no longer gaze upon Colby's beautiful face. What happens now is the girls take over the game. The girls are unworthy whining idiots. Kathy is probably the only one I can stomach to take the win.

Thank goodness for those Shick commercials.

On the same note..

2004-03-11T13:43:00.000-06:00

I just received my acceptance letter for the nursing program at my college.

Hurdle #1: removed.

Hand me the remote, please.

2004-03-11T13:01:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you've heard many people wish that life had a rewind button.

I don't.

I wish for a fast-forward button.

With a rewind button I could go back and fix all of the things that I've done wrong. Spending all of my high school years with the psycho/possessive boy, getting engaged and going to this stupid community college instead of the university I was enrolled in, dropping out of said community college, getting married to that Very Bad Person at a very young age, maxing out six credit cards... twice - and a million other mishaps that should have been avoided.

Rewinding and redoing life since age 16 would seemingly fix all of my problems that I have now. On the downside, I kind of like the girl I've become and it's taken me awhile, but I realize that this girl is a by-product of all of those bad things. I've learned so much through my mistakes - I've become a stronger person through being mentally beaten down by two men and while I don't wish those types of things upon anyone, I won't give them back either. The experiences are priceless to me and the knowledge of myself gained through them is mine to keep, I won't give it back.

So, hand me the remote, please and allow me to fast forward two years so I can be all done with school and have a job I love and the finanances to start living a normal, grown-up life.

I miss you, puppy.

2004-03-05T01:30:00.000-06:00

I just love reading about Nande, the new puppy of Johnny Huh?, but I hate it too.

You see, I had the greatest dog to ever roam the earth. Pardon my bias. Her name was Xena, a fluffy akita mix and I'd had her since she was a puppy. She trained easily, she spoiled quickly and she was truely, as they say, my best friend. My ex-husband got her for me to cure the puppy fever that I've had since I was about five. I squealed the same way I would have if I were five and getting a puppy on the day he brought her home. I loved that little girl so much. She did every trick you could ever imagine and she was never far from my heels. She kept me company when he left me alone so many times, she was just always there. When I left he kept her until I found a place of my own. That month was a pure agony for me and I visited her often. I moved into the country and we loved it there. There were times when I was annoyed by the fact that I couldn't do as I pleased and take trips because there was my dog to contend with, and then I thought of living without her and it was all worth it. Things got bad after a year there, financially, and I had some tough choices to make. Really, there were no choices or options, there was only moving back in with my mom. She doesn't like dogs. I think you can guess where this is going. They day I took her I cried all the way home, my heart hurt so bad. I felt like I was giving away my child, betraying her. The guilt still stings. I'd giving anything to have her nuzzle me, to hear her bark, to see her tail wagging as I walk towards the door. I miss her so much. I don't think about her a lot, somehow I can just distance myself from it and force myself not to. I know why I do. It hurts so bad to remember her.

These are awful pictures, but they were the only ones that I have hosted right now.

I'll end now, since I have tears streaming down my face.

Johnny Huh?, I hope you get that puppy love just like I did, I hope she's everything my Xena was and I can't wait to hear about her as she grows up.

My heartstrings have been pulled...

2004-03-02T22:32:00.000-06:00

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (CNN) -- A woman accused of kidnapping a 10-day-old girl six years ago has surrendered to police in Philadelphia and is being questioned by detectives, CNN has learned.

Carolyn Correa, 41, walked into the Philadelphia Police Department Special Victims Unit office in downtown Philadelphia just after 4:30 p.m. Tuesday with her attorney, Jeffrey Zucker, police said.

"We are pleased that this phase of a complex, protracted, and emotionally charged investigation has been completed with the subject's arrest," said Philadelphia Capt. John Darby.

Correa had been sought in connection with the kidnapping of the infant, Delimar Vera, who was sleeping in her room when a fire broke out at the two-story house in Philadelphia December 15, 1997.

Luz Cuevas, the baby's mother, couldn't find Delimar when she ran into her room. She eventually ran out of the house, overcome by smoke and suffering burns on her face. Her two other children survived the fire.

Remains of the infant's body were never found, and police concluded they had been incinerated in the flames.

The official cause of the fire was listed as an overheated extension cord attached to a space heater.

But Cuevas never fully believed her daughter died in the fire.

In January, she attended a birthday party for the child of an acquaintance and was struck by the resemblance of a 6-year-old girl to herself and her other children.

Telling the girl she had bubble gum in her hair, Cuevas was able to take strands of her hair in hopes a DNA test would prove she was right, according to Philadelphia police Lt. Michael Boyle of the Special Victims Unit.

A state legislator helped put Cuevas in touch with police, who launched an investigation and had DNA tests performed that confirmed the girl is her daughter.

Police declared Delimar Vera dead after a fire destroyed much of her home.
Police say Correa, a resident of Willingboro, New Jersey, a Philadelphia suburb, started the fire and kidnapped Delimar, whom she passed off as her own daughter.

Before the results of the DNA tests were in, officials placed the child in New Jersey state custody.

When police returned to Correa's home to confront her about the DNA results, she had fled, leaving behind three other children.

She had been a fugitive from multiple arrest warrants on charges that include arson, kidnapping and concealing the whereabouts of a child.

Philadelphia officials had ruled infant died in 1997 fire
Lt. Thomas McDevitt of the Special Victims Unit said Cuevas told police that Correa was a distant friend of a cousin of the baby's father, from whom she has separated.

Cuevas had met Correa the day before the fire, McDevitt said. Correa returned December 15, saying she had left her purse upstairs, he said.

The fire was discovered shortly after Correa left the house, McDevitt said.

It has not yet been determined when Delimar will be reunited with Cuevas.

Boyle said that when police told Cuevas about the DNA test results Saturday night she was "overwhelmed with joy."

"She sat there and shook and cried and kept saying, 'Thank you, thank you, thank you,'" Boyle said.

Police say they cannot fully explain why Delimar was declared killed.

Officers at the time found bone fragments they thought were the baby's remains, but tests later showed them to be nonhuman, McDevitt said.

When investigators returned to the scene, firemen had already dumped several hundred pounds of debris from the gutted bedroom in the back yard, McDevitt said.

The officers sifted through the debris but found mostly dry wool particles, which they were told resemble human ashes, but only those burned at 1,000 degrees for an hour or longer, McDevitt said.

The fire, which was confined to the bedroom, lasted only about 15 minutes and was nowhere near 1,000 degrees, McDevitt said.

McDevitt admitted this scenario is an explanation only "up to a point." On the other hand, officers had no reason to suspect arson or a kidnapping, he said. (From cnn.com)

In other news, did you know that we really do have "heart strings"? Upon my recent dissection of a deer heart in my anatomy and physiology II class, I saw and touched the chordeae tendinae of the heart, which surely do resemble strings.

Writers Block

2004-02-25T01:11:00.000-06:00

A few times a day I come here. I open the posting section and I stare at it. I want to blog, to write, to tell you something, even show you a cool link or article, but, I can't. When I am not around a computer I think of oddles of things to write about, however, they are always lost between then and now and I'm stuck with nothing.

I don't want to turn this into an extremely personal journal type blog, where I write everyday. I would like you to know me a little though, how my days are spent, the things I like and how I feel. So, in an effort to begin with that a little, you get a quick run-down on Who I Am and What I Do.

My name is Heather (and yes, that is my real name), I am 24 and I live in a rural part of Southern Illinois. I hate where I live, but I handle it. I am currently attending school to obtain my RN, after which I plan to move to St. Louis and work in pediatric oncology at Barnes. At this time I am a respiratory therpist technician, which means I deal with patients who have chronic respiratory problems, people on ventilators (respirators), kids with asthma, you get the drift. I also do polysomnographies, otherwise known as sleep studies. My facility mostly tests for obstructive sleep apnea - I won't explain what that is, you can look for yourself here. My days are usually spent going to class, sleeping, studying and then working a ten hour night shift. I barely have time to live until the weekend comes.

I have a boyfriend type person who isn't really my boyfriend. I refuse to put a label on our relationship, for whatever reason. Probably because I'm scared, I am relationship phobic. I've been married before, in what seems to be another life, and it has caused me to have some issues with loving and being loved. Back to the guy, he is great. He doesn't pressure me and gives me all the time and space I need. I'm his on the weekends and I'm mine through the week. It works for me, but it won't last, we just aren't right for long term. And before you ask me why I'm wasting my time, I'm not. I don't want long term right now - I have a lot of growing to do first, and he sort of helps me grow.

I live with my parents again after 2 years of living alone and nearly succumbing to complete financial ruin. I'm staying with them till I'm done with school and then I shall spread my wings and fly, far, far away. Okay, that whole three hours, driving isn't so far, but I like to pretend I'm a brave girl ready to embark on journeys far away from home.

So, now you "know" as much as you can from one little blog entry.

I do, hereby, promise to write a little more often.

You simply must try this.

2004-02-18T05:22:00.000-06:00

It's frustrating and addictive. It will truely test your patience. Play if you dare. You may need to refresh before it will load properly.

The concept is to collect "items" that will help you get out of this room. The items aren't easy to find and some must be found before others and some have to be used together.

I solved it, but it took me awhile.

Let me know how you do or if you require a hint or two.

True Porn Clerk Stories

2004-02-17T02:14:00.000-06:00

I was directed to some interesting reading earlier this evening. I've spent about an hour reading through the diary of a clerk working at a video store that rents porn and i'm slightly captivated. I have other things to do, but, I think this is important. It's entertaining at least. I'll stop soon. Really. After I've read them all.

I never wish to be sucked into something such as this alone, so I recommend you click here and read some for yourself.

Pieces of me

2004-02-13T01:10:00.000-06:00

I come from one of those families that was never really a family at all. I'm sure my parents had the best of intentions when my mother dropped out of high school because i was making her belly too big and married my father who thought that playing poker and winning was just as good as working to support his family. One day, though, he started losing. He kept losing. Everything. I don't remember much from my childhood and i'm not really sure why. However, the day she threw him out, I will never forget. She and I came home to find all of her snap shots and all of our family pictures cut, into little pieces, all over the couch. She just stood there, staring at irreplaceable mementos of our lives. I'll never know why he did it, he won't talk about it. My dad collected mirros. You know the ones, budweiser, coca cola, the list goes on, he had tons of them, they were all over our house. My mom started throwing them out the front door like frisbies. One after another until she was laughing so hard there were tears running down her face. I still don't know what was so funny. I just sat in my room, peering out the door trying to understand what was happening. The sounds of the glass shattering and my mothers laughing that began to sound like sobbing are as vivid in my memory now as they were then, the days after when my daddy didn't come home anymore even though my mom said he loved me. My dad came home and my mom tossed him out the front door like a frisbie.

Both of my parents turned into sane, pseudo-normal people after that. They also both remarried and had children. So, I am an only child from my own parents.

My dad and his new wife had babies first, Joshua, a fat baby boy came when I was 6 and Marisha, a baby girl born before the ambulance made it to the hospital came when I was 7. I hated their guts.

My mom stayed single a lot longer. It was just the two of us and a lot of her friends. She had a lot of parties and she went out alot, but she deserved it. She worked two jobs and never did the welfare thing or received any type of help for anyone. I am far from perfect, but she did a damn good job on her own. She met my step-dad at a laundry mat and they fell in love at an Eddy Money concert. They got married and he loved me so much, i was a little princess. Then, she had two boys, Matthew when I was 10, Jason when I was 12. I hated them too.

I'm all grown up now and I realize how amazing it is to have siblings. Not really comparable to having your own children, I'm sure, but amazing nonetheless. They all have these little quirks and qualities that I have and they are all so different at the same time. I spend massive amounts of time with all of them just to see the pieces of me instilled in them.

Joshua has my ambition and my love for music. He, however, combined them and he is going to be a rock star. Sadly, he lacks the little motivation that I do have. He banks on being a rock star and while he made straight As through high school, he didn't and isn't going to college. Because, well, rock stars don't go to college. He's 18 now and has a different goal in life every week. He lives far away and every time I see him I nearly burst with excitement. A six foot teddy bear waiting to love on his little big sister. I'm crazy about Joshua.

Marisha and I share the same sense of humor. I can ride in a vehicle with this girl for an hour and have a tummy ache from the endless laughter we share. We aren't funny to anyone else, but we are funny to each other. I'm so proud of the young woman she's becoming. My dad raised her after my step-mom bailed and took Josh and while it's been hard for her, it's been good for her. She grew up too fast, but she grew up right. I admire Marisha.

Matthew is a slob. He inherited my old bedroom the second time I moved out of my parents home. I can walk in there and it still feels like my bedroom. Clutter, books, magazines, silly posters, clothes, music, movies, it's all everywhere. It's horrible. I was the exact same way. It drives my mother crazy. He's ADHD and he drives me mad, but I love him to death.

Jason is mini-me. I could bore you (even more than you evidently already are) with endless lists of the things we do and say that are identical, but I won't. Only one. Recently I moved back home again. I take my brothers to school a lot and so I'm up early in the morning with them. Matthew talks my leg off, he won't shut up and I don't even talk back, no more than a mumble. Jason and I can sit next to each other for 30 minutes and not speak and everything is fine. We don't like mornings. There is no communication there, but the silent mutual sympathy we feel for one another for having to get out of bed is all we need. I heart Jason.

2004-02-11T20:25:00.000-06:00

I'm contemplating what kind of blog this is going to be. Certainly a choice that should have been made before the birth of the blog, but, the way things happen in my life are usually in no particular order.

A personal blog seems redundant since I keep a livejournal, although, a less detailed "important stuff only" blog could work. I like the idea of writing about the oddities of my every day plain life. I could do a number or combination of things. Going with the flow feels right - I guess I'll write about whatever there is to write about.

Tonight, though, I'm redoing this blog's make-up and hairstyle. It just doesn't look or feel like me at all.

Edit: I spent a little time color tweaking, fixed my blogrolling issues and played around in general. More changes to come, when/if I can ever find time.

Do you want fries with that?

2004-02-11T01:35:00.000-06:00

I live in a small town where fast food restaurants are few and far between. We have Subway, McDonalds, Long John Silvers, Burger King, and a Taco Bell knock-off.

There is rarely a line at Burger King and I think I know why.

When you go through the drive-through, upon arriving at the speaker/order thingy, they never say "Welcome to Burger King, can I help you?" or "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order please?". Without fail, they always urge me to order what they suggest, "Welcome to Burger King would you like to try a Whopper Value Meal?" or for breakfast, "Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try a sausage biscuit value meal?". Am I crazy or do most people already know what they want at that point? Am I even crazier for thinking that people actually never order what the employee suggests unless by pure coincidence? Personally, it makes me crazy. If I wanted a chicken sandwich and they suggested it before I ordered, I'd get something different. I'm a rebel like that. I typically roll my eyes and sigh, wishing to get to the actual ordering part and past the part where they tell me what I should eat.

At first I thought maybe they were promoting new items or specials. However, as I became obsessed with this phenomena I have found that there seems to be no rhyme or reason for the "suggestion of the day/hour/whatever". Last night it was the whopper, last week it was the baguette, sometimes it's a bacon cheeseburger. Is this some sort of a ploy to get rid of things sitting in under the heat lamps or some type of bacon over-stock?

Someday I'm going to get brave and ask them.